


Misadventures in Babysitting

by goodoldfashioned



Category: RedLetterMedia RPF
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Aliens, Babysitting, Children, Denial of Feelings, Difficult Decisions, Domestic, Family, Feelings Realization, M/M, Magic, Platonic Cuddling, Sad and Happy, Wistful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:01:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24261019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodoldfashioned/pseuds/goodoldfashioned
Summary: The aliens who granted Rich immortality are angry with him. Unable to kill him, they de-age him in revenge, leaving him with Jay and Mike as makeshift parents, surely the cruelest punishment available.(OR IS IT)
Relationships: Mike/Jay
Comments: 30
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my friend Beed for encouraging/inspiring me to pursue this idea that started as a short crack fic in my mind and TURNED INTO THIS!???!? 
> 
> This is about the Half in the Baaaaaag characters and their world only, featuring aliens, volcano gods, Star Trek-ish situations and even Mr. Plinkett lore! It's also pretty fuckin angsty because writing this made me weirdly emotional, but it has a happy ending ~ !
> 
> **

Jay could no longer remember how they'd met Rich, exactly. Rich was somehow neither frequently nor infrequently around, usually at the shop but sometimes in Plinkett’s house, performing various service jobs or just sitting around talking about comic books while taking abuse from Mike without flinching and often without reacting at all, as if he considered Mike to be a figment of his imagination. Jay had definitely heard Mike characterize it as the other way around, even when Jay assured Mike that he could see Rich, too.

“That doesn’t count,” Mike said, waving his hand dismissively at Jay. “You and I share a brain.” 

“No, we don’t,” Jay said, recoiling in horror at the suggestion. 

“It’s also very possible I’m imagining you, too,” Mike said.

“The fact that you think so proves I have no fucking clue what goes on in your head, Mike.”

Regardless of who was imagining whom or not, Rich was a part of their lives and had been for years. Jay had once caught Mike hanging out with Rich without him and had pretended not to be just a little offended. He later teased Mike for having made a friend out of that weirdo schlub, and Mike claimed they weren’t friends, that he was running a con on Rich that afternoon and it was none of Jay’s business. Jay was sure that was a lie, as Mike would never run a con without Jay’s involvement, because without Jay to do all the dirty work Mike wouldn’t put in the effort. 

Jay didn’t press it, though, because he was glad Mike had a made a new friend, even if Mike wouldn’t admit it and even if it hurt Jay’s feelings in a stupid, irrational way. Jay had lots of friends and generally people liked him. Mike struggled not to insult most people to their faces within five minutes of meeting them, something that Rich seemed immune to. Mike could be a little clingy and possessive if Jay wanted to hang out with other people, so anyone else in Mike’s life could only be a good thing, Jay decided. 

One day in early summer, Rich turned up at the VCR repair shop to hand them a fancy envelope. It was addressed to both of them, their names handwritten in elegant caligraphy on the front. 

_MR. AND MR. MIKE AND JAY_

“I wasn’t sure what your last names are,” Rich said, gesturing to the envelope while Jay just held it in his hand unopened, confused and a little perturbed. “I don’t even know if you’re married to each other or just boyfriends or what, but--”

“Boyfriends!” Mike said, sputtering this in protest before Jay could. “We’re not-- What? You think we’re together?”

“I’ve walked in on you two fucking in the back room like five times,” Rich said, deadpan and pointing in that direction, as if they’d forgotten where the back room was. 

“Fucking doesn’t mean-- That!” Jay spat defensively. “Just what the hell is this?” he asked, holding up the envelope and hoping to change the subject, because his face was starting to burn. 

“It’s a wedding invitation, genius,” Rich said. “I’m getting married, and I want you two assholes to come.” 

“Why?” Mike asked, looking genuinely puzzled, also a little suspicious.

“Because you’re my friends! For some goddamn reason. Look, I’m a pretty solitary person, outside of my fiancee. She’s got lots of friends, meanwhile. I gotta fill out the groom’s side of the ceremony seating, ya get me?”

“Is there an open bar?” Mike asked. 

“We’re getting married in Milwaukee, Mike. We would be cast out of society if we had a reception without an open bar.” 

“Who are you marrying?” Jay asked, hoping the question didn’t sound mean. He’d just never heard Rich mention a girlfriend before.

“Why the love of my life, of course!” Rich said, his eyes brightening. “We were high school sweethearts, but we lost touch over the years. Since then she’s gotten divorced from the asshole she was married to, and we got back in touch last year and really hit it off.”

“Oh, that’s sweet,” Jay said, and he ignored the derisive snorting noise Mike made in response. “Did you reconnect on Facebook or something?”

“Nope. World of Warcraft!”

“Jesus,” Mike said. 

“Well-- Congratulations!” Jay said, holding his hands out in Rich’s direction. He wasn’t sure how to explain the sudden feeling of weird uncomfortable envy that was blooming within him, because he never wanted to get fucking married and had given up on dating women, even though he could get them now. His dick just got harder for guys, and for one guy in particular, if he was honest. He was finally okay with that, and with the way things were with him and Mike: convenient, satisfying, and undiscussed. Maybe there was some tiny, lingering scrap of him that still wished he could be ‘normal’ like all his siblings who’d gotten married and had kids, but only because he’d always resented feeling like the family outsider. He was the oldest of all his siblings, and the only one who was single. He liked it that way, and the life he was leading was right for him, but being judged for it by people who didn’t get it still made him feel shitty, and therefore so did the news that Rich was getting married, apparently. 

“We’ll be there,” Mike said. “For the reception, at least.”

“Come for the ceremony, too!” Rich said. “We’re gonna be in full Warcraft costume, based on our characters from the game. So you won’t want to miss that.”

“Indeed I won’t,” Mike said, stifling laughter. 

“I know you think it’s silly, but she’s really my soul mate!” Rich said, beaming. “And we’d both been pretty lonely for a while, before we reconnected. Fellas, let me tell ya. It sounds corny, but being in love is amazing. You’d have to be crazy to fight that feeling.”

Rich gave Mike a pointed look. Mike looked murderous in response, and wouldn’t meet Jay’s eyes when Jay gave him a puzzled stare. 

Before Jay could ask Rich what the hell he was getting at, the bell over the repair shop door jangled and they all looked up to see several aliens entering, their blasters drawn.

“Aw, what the fuck is this?” Mike asked. 

“Maybe they just want their VCR repaired,” Jay said, muttering this under his breath in Mike’s direction, hopeful but doubting it would be that simple. It never was. 

“Ey, guys!” Rich said, turning to greet them. “If it isn’t my old friends, Biznar and Kragmir! I got a wedding invitation here for you, actually--”

“Silence, traitor,” the larger alien said. Both had bulging black eyes and slimy green skin, and they bore a disappointing resemblance to generic Halloween store alien masks. “We know of this ‘wedding’ you propose to undertake, and it has greatly displeased our queen.” 

“Lemronia?” Rich said, wincing a little. “What’s her problem? She’s not still hung up on me, is she?”

Mike sighed like this was ruining his afternoon and put his elbow on his knee, chin in his hand. 

“Queen Lemronia is heartbroken!” the smaller alien said. “She forbids you to marry!”

“She’s got no jurisdiction on Earth,” Rich said, snarling a little. “C’mon, you guys, lay off. I’m finally gonna be happy here on this shitty planet. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even mate with your queen without, like, dying, anyway.” 

“We gave you immortality!” the larger alien said, waving his blaster in Rich’s face. “And this is what you give us in return?”

“Disrespect!” the smaller one said, also pointing his blaster at Rich. “Great disrespect!” 

“Well, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, honest--”

“We cannot kill you for this transgression,” the larger alien said. “Immortality is non-reversible when it is bestowed by our kind. But! There is a greater punishment than death awaiting you.” 

“Hey, leave him alone!” Jay said, elbowing Mike to get him to chime in. “Your queen’s got no business telling him what to do. Giving people gifts doesn’t mean they have to obey you forever. That’s, uh. Extortion?”

He looked to Mike for help. Mike moaned and rubbed his hand over his face, looking bored by this. 

“Yeah, get the hell out of here,” Mike said, pointing at the door. “This is private property, and as the owner of this shop--”

“You do not own this establishment,” the smaller alien said, which was true.

“How the hell would you know?” Mike shouted. 

“Silence, you pathetic mortal!” the larger alien said. “We’ve come here for revenge, and now we shall have it.” 

He pointed his blaster at Rich and fired.

“Holy shit!” Jay shouted, leaping out of his chair in alarm when Rich screamed and seemed to disappear before their eyes after flickering in and out of existence for a moment.

“Ha!” the bigger alien said, turning the blaster on Mike, then Jay. 

Jay held up his hands, his legs starting to shake terribly. Mike stood with a grunt and shouldered his way in front of Jay, putting himself between Jay and the alien’s weapon. He grabbed the counter with both hands, glowering at the alien and standing his ground. Jay was a little insulted, but he didn’t think now was the time to say so. 

Somewhere, suddenly, a little kid was crying. 

“That’ll teach you to fuck with us!” the smaller alien said, backing out the repair shop’s front door. “C’mon, Kragmir. Our work here is done.”

“Give our regards to Rich’s bride to be,” Kragmir said, cackling as he retreated, weapon still drawn until he was gone.

The kid crying sound was still happening, coming from the floor in front of the counter. Jay couldn’t see that part of the floor from where he was standing, and he followed close behind as Mike moved around the counter to investigate. 

There was a little kid on the floor, and Rich’s clothes were hanging on him like giant tents while he wailed, sobbing and drilling his tiny fists into his wet eyes.

“Ummmmm,” Mike said, still standing in front of Jay with his arm thrown out, as if this crying child was something else Jay needed his protection from. “What?” Mike said, turning to Jay, as if he knew what the fuck was going on.

“Is that Rich?” Jay asked, pointing. 

“No, that’s not fucking Rich! Is-- Is it?”

“Well, they said they couldn’t kill him! I guess they just, uh. Shrunk him--?”

They both turned back to the kid, whose crying persisted, loud and grating. The kid’s eyes were pinched shut, his face all red from distress. He looked about four or five years old, if Jay had to guess. 

“Rich?” Mike said, loudly, leaning forward a little. “Is that you in there? Can, uh, can you hear me?”

The kid wibbled and backed away, peeking at Mike before his eyes pinched shut with more crying. He looked scared. 

“I think it’s him,” Jay said. “He’s wearing Rich’s clothes, uh. Sorta.” 

He was basically only wearing Rich’s t-shirt at that point, which was something with the Legend of Zelda triforce on it, covering the kid from his shoulders and down past his feet like a gown. Everything else had fallen off as he backed away from Mike and Jay in fear. 

“Stop crying and talk to us!” Mike said, nearly shouting. “Rich, it’s us! It’s Mike and Jay!”

“Shh!” Jay said, punching Mike’s arm, because this made the loud wailing start up again. “I don’t think he remembers us, uhh. Maybe the aliens took his memory, too.” 

“What the fuck are we gonna do?” Mike asked, turning to Jay with real distress that surprised Jay, for some reason. The situation was certainly distressing, but Mike usually rolled his eyes at the apocalypse. “Rich can’t get married like this!” 

“He’s gonna have bigger problems than that.” Jay sighed and observed the crying child in front of them. Jay had three younger siblings and lots of experience with babysitting, both as a kid and as an adult, since all his siblings had kids now, too. He didn’t love it, and had never felt like he was all that great at it. “I have an idea,” he said, squeezing Mike’s arm. “You just watch him, and don’t say anything. You’re scaring him with your panicked shouting.” 

“I wasn’t-- ah! Fine, fucker, if you think you’re such an expert. Let’s see you do better.”

Jay went into the back room to dig out his secret package of Oreos. He’d recently been gaining weight and he knew he should throw these away, but sometimes he just needed a little comfort food. He brought the cookies out to the front room, where Rich was still crying softly, his hands held over his face and his fingers spread so he could keep an eye on Mike’s whereabouts, cautious. 

“Hey,” Jay said, squatting down so he was eye level with Rich. He took a cookie out from the package and held it up between them. “Do you want one of these?” he asked. “It’s okay,” he said when Rich hesitated, sniffling and eying the cookie. “You might not remember, but we’re your friends. We won’t hurt you. Do you want this?” he asked, inching a little closer with the cookie outstretched. “Go ahead and take it, it’s for you.” 

Rich studied Jay’s face for a moment, his own cheeks still wet and splotchy. He sniffled and took a single step closer, eyes on the cookie, then another, checking Jay’s face again before proceeding. He glanced up at Mike distrustfully. 

“What’s your name?” Jay asked, his arm starting to shake while he kept it outstretched with the cookie on offer. “I’m Jay,” he said when Rich looked at him again. “And that’s Mike. Do you remember your name?”

“Yes,” Rich said, frowning like he was insulted by that question. He sniffled and rubbed at his wet face with his palm. “My name is Dick.”

“Okay, Dick. Do you want this cookie or what? ‘Cause I’ll put it away if you don’t.” 

Rich made a face like the question annoyed him, then snatched the cookie out of Jay’s hand. Once he had it he walked backward, almost tripping over the giant pair of jeans that adult Rich had been wearing, now pooled on the floor. His back hit the far wall of the shop, and he ate the cookie while keeping his eyes on Jay and Mike. 

“Where’s Nanu?” Rich asked after Jay had laid the bag of Oreos on the ground like a peace offering and moved back to stand at Mike’s side. 

“I don’t know what that is,” Jay said. 

“His grandma,” Mike said, leaning over to whisper this in Jay’s ear. “She’s deceased.” 

“Oh god. Okay, um. Rich-- I mean, Dick, listen. We’re gonna take care of you until we can fix-- This. So don’t worry. Have another cookie, if you want. I gotta talk to Mike over here for a minute.” 

Jay pulled Mike over into the opposite corner, holding his elbow. Mike was wide-eyed and a little pale. 

“We gotta find a way to undo this,” Jay said. “Poor Rich. Just because he didn’t want to marry some alien queen.”

“Should we tell his fiancee?” Mike asked.

“I don’t think so,” Jay said. “We don’t even know her, and I don’t know if Rich wants her knowing about his alien adventures and immortality and all that. She’d probably just think we’re crazy, anyway.”

“So what the hell do we do, Jay?”

They heard a shuffling noise, and Jay turned to see Rich peeking at them from around the side of the counter. When their eyes met, Rich ducked away as if he’d been caught doing something bad, hiding on the other side of the counter.

Jay sighed. “We need to find him some clothes that fit, first of all. And then we can think about, ugh. What we might do to reverse this.” 

“I doubt we can, unless the aliens change their tune.”

“Sure, but we know at least one fuck-up who deals with aliens and gods and all that shit.”

“Oh god. Plinkett??”

“He might know some kind of dark ritual that could help! I don’t fuckin’ know, Mike, do you have any better ideas?”

Mike’s shoulders slumped.

“No,” he admitted. 

“Okay, so, the question is-- Which of us is less likely to get arrested if we go to the thrift store and buy clothes that would fit a little kid?”

“Can’t you just borrow some from your sisters’ kids?”

“What the hell am I gonna tell my sisters about why I need them?”

Mike groaned. “You go,” he said. “You’re marginally less creepy than me.” 

“Gee, thanks. You gonna be okay here with little Rich, though?”

“I’m not a total incompentent monster, Jay. He’ll survive half an hour alone with me.” 

Jay gave Mike a doubtful look that earned him a sneer. 

“I’m going out for a bit,” Jay explained to Rich, who was now seated on the floor inside the tent that was his t-shirt, clutching the Oreos to his chest inside it. “I’m going to get some clothes that will fit you. Do you need anything? Water? The bathroom?”

Rich didn’t reply, just stared up at Jay with wide, watery eyes, clearly confused and still upset. 

“Well-- If you do need anything like that, just tell Mike, and he’ll take care of you. He’s not as scary as he looks,” Jay said, whispering that last part. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Rich muttered miserably, the Oreo package crinkling inside his shirt when he hugged it tighter.

Jay left, feeling negligent. He’d never seen Mike around children before, even briefly. It was an experience Mike had gone out of his way to avoid. 

Jay’s first impulse had been the thrift store, to save money, but ultimately he went to a Wal-Mart, because he hated the place and never planned to show his face there again after buying what he’d realized the thrift store wouldn’t have: a ten-pack of kid-sized underwear. While Jay’s face nearly melted off at the check-out, he told himself it wasn’t that weird for a forty year old man to be buying all this kid clothing. He could very well be a man with kids, for all this disinterested-seeming cashier knew. Along with the clothes he bought some healthy kid snacks, a hand-held video system to keep Rich occupied, and a gallon of milk. He considered saving the receipt so he could return the expensive video game device when this had all blown over, then decided to just give it to Rich as a wedding gift. 

He pitched the receipt and hurried back to the repair shop, worried about what he might find there. Mike was a good person, way deep down, and wouldn’t do anything to make the kid upset on purpose, but he could be indelicate and impatient, and Jay had borne the brunt of Mike’s obtuse handling of people’s feelings more than once in the past. 

“I’m back!” Jay announced, a little alarmed when he came in with the Wal-Mart bags and found the shop’s front room empty.

“We’re back here,” Mike called. 

Jay walked into the back room and was relieved to see Rich burritoed in one of Jay’s hoodie sweatshirts, asleep with his head on the arm of the sofa while Mike sat on the other side. They were watching a movie, something featuring a man with a blue mullet who was singing. 

“What the fuck is this?” Jay asked, gesturing.

“Some weird kid movie I found in our piles of old tapes,” Mike said, looking queasy. “It’s-- Kinda fucked up, actually, but he fell asleep about five minutes in. Sugar crash, I guess.”

“How many Oreos did you let him eat?”

“Uhh, I dunno. Lots? They kept him quiet!”

“Ugh, god,” Jay said. “You really don’t want to deal with a kid who has an upset stomach, Mike.” 

“I don’t want to deal with any of this, Jay! Shit!”

“Shh! You’re the one who’s his friend!”

“So are you, bitch, he’s inviting you to his wedding.”

“Fine,” Jay said, instead of: just because he thinks we’re a couple. He glowered at Mike and put the bags down before approaching Rich and nudging his shoulder until he woke with a confused whine. “Hey, I’m back with your stuff,” Jay said. “You know how to dress yourself, right?”

Rich stared at Jay, blinking heavily and processing the question. Then he nodded. 

“I’m five,” he said, as if this should make it obvious that he could put clothes on without help.

“Good,” Jay said. “I bought you some stuff to wear. If you go get dressed in the bathroom over there, when you’re done I have a present for you.”

“A present?” Rich’s face lit up. He even almost smiled. 

“Yep. Do you like video games?”

“I love them! They’re my favorite!”

“Great! Okay, here, let’s pick out some clothes for you so you can get ready for your present.”

Mike sat back watching as Rich rifled through the bags, the one with the video game placed on top of the TV set for now. Once he’d chosen a t-shirt with a dinosaur on it and a pair of tiny flannel pajama pants, Jay sent him into the bathroom with those and the packets of underwear and socks he’d picked, hoping everything would fit. He really no idea how to judge kid sizes, but the clothes he’d picked out had ages attached to them along with sizes, and at least he’d guessed right about that.

“Why are you good at this?” Mike asked, narrowing his eyes at Jay when Rich was in the bathroom getting dressed. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m not,” Jay said. “But you know I’ve got experience, with my little sisters and now with their kids.” 

“Is there anything you’re not good at?” Mike asked, still looking resentful.

“Uhh, yes? Is that a serious question?”

“Never mind. I’m sorry I gave him cookies. I thought that was the plan.”

“It’s fine, Mike. I got some better food, um. Where should we relocate to?”

“Relocate?”

“Yeah, my place or yours? It’s almost time to close the shop, and I need to put this milk I got in the fridge somewhere.”

“Your apartment’s way cleaner.”

Jay sighed and nodded, not looking forward to turning a little kid loose in his environs. He loved his nephews and nieces but was always glad to see them go after having his family over. They were messy and chaotic and completely self-absorbed, like all kids.

Rich emerged from the bathroom after a while, dressed and carrying the opened packs of socks and underthings. He handed them to Jay, and Jay tried not to enjoy the sense that Rich had decided Jay was obviously the dependable one who was in charge here. No wonder Mike was annoyed. People usually deferred to him, Rich included.

“Great job getting dressed on your own!” Jay said, because all kids loved praise.

Rich sniffed. “It’s not hard,” he said. “I’m not some stupid baby.”

“Okay, geez. Here.” Jay stood and got the video game device from the top of the TV. “Have you played with one of these before? I got two games for it--”

“Neat!” Rich said, beaming at Jay. He still looked a little sleepy, and his eyes were red-rimmed from all that crying earlier, but he didn’t seem scared anymore. “Thanks, mister.” 

“Uh, you’re welcome. You can call me Jay. How’s your stomach?”

“It’s okay.”

“You’re not hungry?”

“I ate a lot of cookies.”

“Okay. Listen, we’re gonna help you get home, uh, back to where you belong, but while we’re figuring that out you can stay with us, and we’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

“Why would something bad happen?” Rich asked, his face falling.

“It won’t,” Mike said, standing. “That’s what he’s telling you.”

Rich eyed Mike warily and inched closer to Jay, hugging the video game box to his chest. Mike rolled his eyes. 

“So let’s go back to my place,” Jay said. “And we can set your new toy up with some batteries once we get there.” 

“Okay,” Rich said. He put the bag with the video game stuff over his shoulder and reached for Jay’s hand. 

“Aww,” Mike said.

Jay glared at Mike, but he didn’t seem to be laughing at Jay for holding Rich’s little hand as they walked out of the back room. Mike looked like he was sincerely charmed, maybe.

“Is he coming with us?” Rich asked when Mike followed them to the car, carrying all the other shopping bags.

“Yes,” Jay said. 

“Okay,” Rich said, mumbling this as if he’d allow it, grudgingly. He tightened his grip on Jay’s hand. 

“Shit,” Jay said when they’d reached his car. “I should have gotten a booster seat. Dammit.”

“Booster seats are for babies,” Rich said. 

“But you’re too little to wear a normal seatbelt, it’s not safe--”

“Jesus, just hold him in your lap,” Mike said. “I’ll drive.”

“That’s illegal, Mike!” 

They ended up buckling Rich into the backseat, in the middle seat with just the lap belt. Jay still felt nervous about it and sat in back beside him while Mike drove. Rich was oblivious, smiling down at the instruction booklet for the handheld video game device while Mike drove them toward Jay’s place. 

“Can you read?” Jay asked.

“Yes,” Rich said. He looked up at Jay like that question was insane. “I mean, most words. Sometimes I need help.” His lip wobbled a little when he looked back down at the booklet. Maybe he was thinking of his grandma.

“Rich is surprisingly smart,” Mike said. 

Jay boggled at Mike for admitting that even now.

“What’s he talking about?” Rich asked. 

“Doesn’t anyone ever call you Rich?” Jay asked.

“No.” 

“Well, maybe that’ll be our nickname for you. You know your first name is Richard, right?”

Rich made a face like this was the dumbest and most insulting question Jay had asked him yet. 

“Yes,” he said. “But nobody calls me that. My name is Dick, I told you!”

“Okay, Dick it is!”

When they’d reached Jay’s apartment, Mike put the groceries in the fridge while Jay dug out an old packet of batteries and brought Rich’s video game thing to life. Rich started playing one of the games on Jay’s couch and was fully preoccupied at once, his socked feet wiggling over the edge of the cushions that nearly enveloped him. 

“I can’t believe I forgot to buy him fucking shoes,” Jay said when he was out of earshot, speaking to Mike.

“It’s not like he’s going anywhere,” Mike said. “We ain’t enrolling him in kindergarten or taking him to the park. We’d be arrested for kidnapping.” 

“Yeah. It’s just a pretty big oversight. I was panicked, you know? I do kinda feel like we stole somebody’s child.”

“Well, nobody’s looking for him. He doesn’t have any family left, except for his fiancee. Shit, what if she freaks out and calls the cops when she can’t get in touch with him?”

“We can’t worry about that. Though we should probably text her or something.”

“I got this out of his jeans back at the shop,” Mike said, digging an old flip phone from his pocket. “There’s no password on it or anything,” he said, thumbing it open. “And the person he’s texted with most often, with ‘I love you’ messages and shit about planning their wedding, is ‘Elly,’ here. Should we send her a text, uh, as Rich?”

“Sure,” Jay said. “Better that than nothing. I don’t want his relationship to get messed up because of this.” 

Mike gave Jay a look like that was a weird thing to say. Jay frowned at him. 

“What should I say?” Mike asked, pulling open a new text to Elly. 

“Say he got called away for a business emergency,” Jay said. “And he’ll be, uh, out of cell phone range for a few days, but he loves her and will fill her in soon.” 

“Wow, suddenly you’re good with women, too?”

“No,” Jay said, recoiling. “What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem, Jay.”

“Yeah, clearly. Are you mad at me for some reason?”

“No! God, you do sound like a nagging boyfriend, Rich had a point,” Mike said, mumbling this while he typed a text on Rich’s phone, slow, one finger at a time. 

Jay was staring at him when he looked up. Mike’s face was red, and he was trying to seem angry, but Jay saw through him. Mike was freaking out about something him-and-Jay related, and his timing was terrible. Jay really didn’t need that shit right now, considering what else they were dealing with. 

“Let me see what you wrote,” Jay said, reaching for the phone. 

“Too late for your editorial input,” Mike said, handing it over. “I already sent it.”

“Mike, goddammit--”

But what he’d written was surprisingly good, and Jay’s eyebrows went up with approval as he read it:

_Hey baby, having some major drama at work, have to go off the grid and deal with it for a few days. Hopefully it won’t take long. Sorry, this sucks, I miss you already. More soon, love you_

“I don’t know if the ‘baby’ was necessary,” Jay said. “We don’t know what he normally calls her.”

“Yes, we do. I’ve heard him on the phone with her before.”

“Oh.” Jay felt a weird kind of drop kick in his chest. “I didn’t realize you and Rich were hanging out that much.”

“Yeah, well. I gotta do something when you ditch me to go to concerts that would make my brain bleed out my ears, if I was even invited.”

Jay rolled his eyes and went to check on Rich. 

“Is the game fun?” Jay asked, sitting on the arm of the couch.

“Uh-huh,” Rich said, fully absorbed in it. “Who are you guys?” he asked after a few beats, his fingers still moving on the controls, eyes locked on the mini screen. 

“We’re your friends,” Jay said, glancing at Mike for help. He was lingering in the living room doorway, watching from a distance. 

“Grown ups shouldn’t be friends with little kids,” Rich said. 

“That’s true,” Jay said. “I’ll put it this way, uh-- We’re friends with the grown up who normally takes care of you. And he’s not available right now, so. We’re gonna look out for you until he’s back.” 

“Who is he?”

“You seen Star Trek?” Mike asked, shouting this awkwardly from across the room.

Rich paused the game and looked up, his eyes lighting. 

“Yes!” he said. “I love Star Trek!”

“Me too,” Mike said, walking a little closer. “You know how weird stuff happens on there sometimes? Like, time loops, and transporter malfunctions, and strange phenomena having to do with space travel?”

Jay expected this to go over little Rich’s head, but he was just nodding as if he understood completely. Maybe some of his adult brain was still in there somewhere. 

“Well, this is like that,” Mike said, walking closer. “You’re usually our age. Some aliens shrunk you and made you little. We just have to figure out how to fix it. Like how Data and Geordi work on a problem until they save everyone.” 

“Ohh,” Rich said. He shrugged and unpaused his game, his fingers flying on the controls again. “Okay,” he said, as if that was settled. 

Mike grinned at the stunned look on Jay’s face. 

“Told you,” Mike said. “He’s smart.” 

Rich’s phone buzzed, and Mike showed Jay the text that Elly had sent in response to his announcement that he was going off the grid.

_Oh no! I hope everything is okay? Call me if later if you can. Love you, too._

“Should I reply?” Mike asked, looking panicked again.

“Just send a heart emoji,” Jay said. 

“I take back what I said about you being good with women,” Mike said.

“I have never claimed to be good with women. Fine, say you’ll try to call if you have a signal, but not to worry either way.” 

Jay started to make an early dinner for the three of them while Mike took care of pretending to be Rich so his fiancee wouldn’t freak out. The whole thing was fucked, but Jay wasn’t ready to go to Plinkett and plead for a potential solution. He had to think about how to approach that, and in the meantime he was exhausted. He opened a beer for himself and poked his head into the living room to see if Mike wanted one. 

Mike was on the couch with Rich, watching him play his video game and looking like he might nod off at any moment.

“Watch this, watch this part,” Rich said, moving the screen over a little so Mike could see. “This is the hardest jump in the game, are you watching?”

“Yeah,” Mike said, lifting his head off the back of the couch and blinking down at the screen, feigning interest. “That’s amazing, Rich. Wow. You did it.”

“I did it!” Rich repeated, cackling down at the screen like he’d just outsmarted the game.

Jay couldn’t contain hysterical laughter at the sight of Mike praising Rich, deadpan but well-intentioned, on his video game skills. He had to leave the room, laughing into his hands. 

He was back at the stove, checking on the pot of rice he was making for their dinner along with some chicken tenders which were still in the oven, when Mike came into the kitchen. 

“He’s still playing that game,” Mike said, coming up behind Jay at the stove and peering down over his shoulder, into the pot of rice. He was close, warm and almost hugging Jay from behind, hovering affectionately in a way that made Jay feel flustered. They normally just grabbed for each other in a utilitarian way at the shop, greedily taking pleasure from each other in the way that suited them both: Mike liked to fuck Jay hard, and Jay had never liked sex as much as he did when he bent over and took it as hard as Mike could give it. It made no sense, because Mike was infuriating and Jay never liked rolling over for him in any other context. But he had a big, fat cock, and Jay was thinking about it as Mike leaned in to press his face to Jay’s throat, brushing his lips over Jay’s skin and making him shiver, stopping just short of placing tender kisses there. 

“What are you doing,” Jay asked, flushed and stirring the rice. 

“You’re turning me on with this shit,” Mike said.

“What? Making rice?”

“Mhm. Yeah. Being all domestic and sweet, taking care of everything.”

“Oh god. Stop projecting whatever weird fetish you have onto me. I’m not your little-- Anything.” 

“Not my little anything?” Mike said, speaking in a low, almost threatening murmur that was dangerously arousing. His hands went to Jay’s hips, and Jay was taken off guard by how hard Mike squeezed him there, couldn’t contain an embarrassing little gasp. “Hm,” Mike said, laughing under his breath. “I don’t know about that. You feel like my little something. Maybe you’re just my little Jay.”

“You sound insane,” Jay said, bucking him off. “And-- Stop! You’re going to traumatize Rich.” 

“Relax, he’s only got eyes for that game.”

“So what?” Jay asked, hissing this in an angry whisper. “That doesn’t mean you should be-- Ah! Doing whatever it is you’re trying to do here.” 

“Calm down, I’m not about to put you over the kitchen table. I’m just flirting with you, Jay.”

“Eugh.”

“Should have known you couldn’t handle it.”

The timer for the chicken tenders went off and Jay jumped. Mike snickered and kept giving Jay a weird, intense stare as he watched him bend over to get the pan out of the oven.

“What the hell has gotten into you?” Jay asked when he turned back to Mike, his cheeks hot.

“Not sure,” Mike said. “Maybe it was what Rich said earlier.”

“About-- What?”

Before Mike could answer, Rich wandered into the kitchen, holding his gaming device and looking a lot less freaked out than he had when they first arrived here. He walked right up to Jay and tugged on the hem of his shirt. Jay patted the top of Rich’s head without thinking about it, and didn’t look up at Mike after he had, not wanting to see him swoon for the sight of Jay being-- Whatever. Soft, sentimental, caring, all the shit Mike probably thought he deserved from Jay, just so he could mock him for it while also enjoying it.

“I’m thirsty,” Rich said. “And hungry. That smells good,” he added, eying the chicken tenders.

“They’re almost ready to eat, we just have to let them cool down a little,” Jay said. “And the rice is almost done. C’mere, I’ll pour you some milk.” 

They all ate together at the table, and Jay refused to feel heartwarmed by his sense of providing for people. It was just something that he’d never experienced quite this way before-- It was novel, that was all. He was glad they’d come to his place, glad little Rich seemed calm and even happy with his chicken tenders, and, though he’d never admit it, he was glad that Mike was impressed with him and giving him dopey looks of adoration from across the table as he downed a beer with his meal. Jay felt like he deserved it, if nothing else. It was about fucking time Mike noticed that Jay was acutally pretty great, and that Mike was lucky to have him as a co-worker, fuck buddy, and best friend. 

Rich was fading fast after dinner, falling asleep on the sofa while they all watched _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_ together. Jay wasn’t sure that the scary parts were okay for someone so young, so maybe it was a good thing that Rich couldn’t make it through more than twenty minutes of the movie. There was a fold out convertible futon in Jay’s guest room, which was normally the room where he watched movies in a more serious setting, either alone or with Mike. He’d made up the bed for Rich, and when Rich was too sleepy to even slide off the sofa without looking like he might face plant on the floor, Jay scooped him up and carried him into the guest room.

“I should have gotten you a tooth brush and stuff,” Jay said, seated on the bed after he’d tucked Rich in. 

“I don’t want a tooth brush,” Rich said.

“Kid,” Jay said, patting his chest. “You will regret not taking care of your teeth when you’re older. Believe me. Shit gets real expensive.”

Jay winced when he realized he’d cursed. He wasn’t used to being around kids and had caught himself doing this around his nieces and nephews without realizing it before, too. They always just giggled like it was a great joke, same as Rich was doing now, his eyes sliding shut as he laughed at the bad word.

“G’night,” Jay said, standing. 

Rich babbled a non-word before rolling onto his side under the blanket, then seemed to be asleep. Jay left the door cracked open and the light on in the hall so Rich wouldn’t wake up to the pitch dark. Jay’s guest bedroom had no windows, which was ideal for watching movies in there with his home theater setup, less so for a child’s bedroom. 

“This is nuts,” Jay said when he returned to the living room, where Mike was having a second beer, or possibly a third. 

“Yep,” Mike said, patting the couch cushion beside him. “I’d better stay over, in case you need backup.”

“Of course you’re staying over! I don’t want to be alone here with him.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s weird enough that I just tucked our forty-two year old friend into bed. I need your, uhh. Support, or. Something. So I don’t lose my mind.”

“You got it,” Mike said, shifting over so his shoulder touched Jay’s when they were seated together on the couch, the movie that Jay had seen a hundred times still playing on the flatscreen that was mounted on the wall.

Jay glanced over at Mike, wary. Mike’s face was close. They’d kissed before, usually while drunk. Jay didn’t usually care for kissing, but he liked how hungry Mike got for it, and liked to pull back, teasing, making Mike work for it and chase Jay’s lips. 

“Can I tell you something?” Mike asked, reaching over to settle his hand on Jay’s thigh.

Jay flexed up against the heat of Mike’s palm, frowning. He wasn’t going to let Mike fuck him while a kid slept in the other room, but maybe that wasn’t what Mike was after.

“I guess,” Jay said. “What?”

“You’re a good person.”

“Uhh. Okay. Debatable.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s funny, I have this list of things I like about you, and that one was never really on it before today. At least not consciously.”

“Wow, are you drunk?”

“Do I seem drunk, Jay?”

Jay scoffed and looked away. His heart was beating fast, and his mouth felt dry. He wasn’t sure he liked the look Mike was giving him, which made no sense, because he also desperately wanted to turn back and see it again. 

“Is this list written on a piece of paper?” Jay asked, because he was always making fun of Mike for his handwritten old man lists. “On a clipboard, at the shop?”

“No. It only exists in my mind.”

“Okay. Weirdo.” 

“It’s mostly stuff like-- Hmm, you know, the way you go crazy on my dick when I twist your nipples.”

“Oh god.” 

Jay snickered, relieved that this was just about sex after all, and dared a look over at Mike. Mike’s eyes were still dark and serious, which had the unfortunate affect of making them look even prettier than they usually did. It wasn’t fair that there should be anything pretty about a guy like Mike, who was big all over, hulking and slobby and gruff. He only had this one pretty feature, his huge brown eyes, and it went a long way toward making Jay’s knees weak for all the more traditional manly-man handsome qualities Mike also had, annoyingly. 

“But, you know,” Mike said, seeming to recapture his train of thought, also staring deeply into Jay’s eyes as they remained just a breath away from kissing, the tips of their noses almost touching. “There’s more to you than meets the eye.”

“Thanks for noticing,” Jay said. “Only took you about fifteen years.”

“You’re the one who wanted me to think you’d be repulsed by anything like this.”

“Like-- What?”

“Like letting a little kid hold your hand. Or letting me kiss you when it’s not just about sex.”

“Wait-- What?”

Jay could have asked what it was about, if not sex, but he was too afraid of the answer. He just let Mike press him back against the couch cushions with a sigh that he pushed into Jay’s mouth. Mike kissed him for a long time, slow and sweet and sort of excruciatingly sincere. Jay had to keep his eyes closed even when Mike pulled back to nuzzle at him with dorky approval. Jay’s heart was beating fast and his dick was stirring to life, which wasn’t good. But he just opened his lips for Mike’s tongue over and over, holding Mike against him, not wanting to get fucked here but not wanting to stop doing this either. This was about something else, Mike was right. It was comforting, having Mike all around him and licking in past his lips, in no hurry to get to something else. 

Jay felt like he’d woken up in the wrong universe when he heard Rich screaming from the guest room.

“Help, ahh, help me!” 

Jay tried to shove Mike off, but Mike was already leaping away, hurrying into the guest room to see what was wrong. Jay was right on his heels, afraid they would find those evil aliens abducting poor little Rich. Mike flipped on the guest room light before dashing inside, stopping short when he saw that Rich was sitting up in the middle of the bed, looking terrified but seemingly unharmed. 

“What’s wrong?” Jay asked, hurrying to his side. “Did you have a bad dream?”

“Green monsters were hurting me,” Rich said, and his voice broke around the last two words, a little sob punched out of him as he brought his hands up to his face. 

“Aww, c’mere,” Jay said, slipping his arm around Rich’s trembling back. “You’re okay.”

Rich flung himself into Jay’s arms and clung hard, hiding his face against Jay’s t-shirt. Mike stayed at the foot of the bed, taking a seat there and running his hand over his face with a sigh. He looked kind of shaken up, like it hadn’t occurred to him that Rich might just be dreaming and not actually in trouble. Given the events earlier in the day, Jay could understand that. He wanted to reach out, pat Mike’s chest and tell him it was okay, too, but he couldn’t do that without letting go of poor Rich, so he stayed in place while Rich sniffled into his t-shirt. 

“Are those monsters gonna kill me?” Rich asked, his little voice muffled.

“No,” Mike said, so certainly that he sounded kind of angry. “They won’t,” he said when Rich lifted his face to peek at Mike. “We won’t let them.” 

Rich didn’t want to be alone after his bad dream, so Jay stretched out in the bed beside him and put _Space Jam_ on the TV across from the bed. Mike made fun of him for owning it. Jay wasn’t even sure why he did; possibly one of his little sisters had gotten it for him as a gag gift. Possibly even Mike had, just so he could make fun of Jay for having it later. 

Mike stayed with them, too, reclining on the other side of the bed, hands folded behind his head. Rich wouldn’t let go of Jay’s arm, even after he fell asleep with his little face pressed to Jay’s bicep. 

“Tomorrow,” Jay said softly when he was sure Rich was asleep. “We’ll go to Plinkett, first thing. He’s the only guy we know who does, uh. Dark magic? Pretty sure he’s also had dealings with aliens. He might know some way to fix this.”

“Plinkett can’t be trusted,” Mike said, sounding half-asleep.

“Says the guy who tried to marry me off to him.” 

Mike a distressed little noise. His eyes were closed when Jay glanced over at him, and he’d moved his hands down to fold them over his belly. 

“You asleep?” Jay asked, whispering.

Mike didn’t answer. Jay sighed. He couldn’t reach the remote without waking Rich, so he was doomed to watch _Space Jam_ all the way to the end. It was even worse than he remembered.

*


	2. Chapter 2

Jay woke up to the feeling of Rich shuffling out of the bed. He considered asking Rich where he was going, then decided it was probably fine. He heard the toilet flush at the end of the hallway, and when Rich returned he had his video game player. Mike was still asleep on the other side of the bed, turned onto his side and hugging a pillow, out cold. Rich climbed back into the bed between them and stretched out on his back with the video game thing turned on, the volume turned down to its lowest setting. He scooted over so that his shoulder was pressed to Jay’s and held the screen so Jay could join him in watching the little cartoon avatar collecting coins and jumping around while Rich’s thumbs moved on the buttons.

“This is level six,” Rich whispered.

“Great,” Jay said, half asleep again already.

When Jay woke up again Rich had nodded off and had pulled Jay’s arm around him like a blanket, tucking himself in against against Jay’s chest. The video game thing was turned off and resting on the sheets. Mike was awake and peering at Jay and Rich with his face half-buried in the pillow he was holding. 

“Don’t say anything,” Jay muttered. 

“Just thinking about how I’m never gonna let Rich live this down,” Mike said, grinning. “I should take a picture.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” 

Jay tried to shift out of Rich’s grip, lifting his arm away. Rich woke up with a jerk and blinked sleepily at Jay, looking confused. 

“We need to get going,” Jay said, resisting the urge to smooth Rich’s static-filled hair down, because Mike would snicker or something if he did. “We’re taking a little trip this morning, okay?”

“A trip?” Rich cast around for his video game player and pulled it into his lap. “Where to? Do we have to?”

“Yes, we have to. We’re going to see our friend Harry.”

“Is it safe to bring him?” Mike asked, sitting up and nodding to Rich. 

“Please,” Jay said, frowning. “Of course it is. A strong wind could knock Plinkett over. He’ll be fine, as long as we’re with him.” 

Jay prompted Rich to change into clean clothes, and went out to the kitchen with Mike while Rich got dressed. Jay felt tired and kind of underwater, wishing he could go back to bed and that he was just here with Mike, who could fuck him into a perfect blissed out late morning nap. This was the first time they’d ever awakened together on a lazy Saturday morning, and now Jay was wondering why, maneuvering around Mike in the kitchen while he made coffee and set the cereal and milk out for Rich. It felt cozy, having Mike there, and he kept catching Mike staring at him with some kind of quiet admiration. Being looked at like that, by Mike, was a little weird, but Jay didn’t hate it.

“I don’t like that cereal,” Rich said when he came out in a fresh t-shirt and a little pair of sweatpants. “Don’t you have anything good?” he asked, looking up at the top of the fridge. “Like Fruit Loops or Captain Crunch?”

“This is healthier,” Jay said, pouring some strawberry Kashi into a bowl for him. “Just try it.”

“I’m not gonna like it.” 

“I could make him some toast,” Mike said, banging around in Jay’s cabinets. “Don’t you even have bread?”

“Why would I have bread?” Jay asked, and he laughed at the look Mike gave him in response. “Rich, just try it,” he said, adding milk. “Look how the strawberries rehydrate in the milk. Isn’t that cool?”

“No,” Rich said, but he accepted a spoon and stirred the cereal around, at least. 

Jay had an idea. He sat next to Rich and poured some cereal and milk for himself, though he wasn’t really hungry and skipped breakfast more often than not, especially on weekends. He ate a big spoonful and then another. Rich was watching him. Jay pretended he didn’t notice or care, just went on eating like this cereal was the most delicious meal he’d had in years. Eventually, Rich ate one of the rehydrated strawberries, slurping it off the spoon, then another. By the time Jay had finished his bowl, Rich had eaten half of his, too. 

Mike just watched from the sink, standing there with a mug of coffee that he’d added a ridiculous amount of milk and sugar to. Jay glanced up at him, and his heart did a thing when Mike smiled in a way that wasn’t mocking or smug, for once.

They got ready to leave for Plinkett’s house, Jay again lamenting that he’d forgotten to buy shoes for Rich at Wal-Mart. Jay had changed into clean clothes, washed his face and neatened his beard a little. Mike was still in his Lightning Fast work shirt and other clothes from the day before, and he needed a shave, but Jay liked the heavy stubble look on him. 

“Who’s this Harry person?” Rich asked when they were on the way to Plinkett’s house, Mike driving and Jay again sitting in the backseat beside Rich, not sure what his proximity was accomplishing but unwilling to leave him alone there. 

“Harry is-- A friend,” Jay said.

Mike snorted.

“He’s an old man,” Mike said. “Don’t let him scare you, he’s harmless.” 

“I’m not scared of old people,” Rich said, but he looked a little nervous, glancing up from his video game player to meet Jay’s eyes.

“Of course you’re not,” Jay said, patting Rich’s head. “We’re just going to ask him, uh. About some things he might have that will help you get back to normal.”

“Normal?”

“Grown up again.”

“Oh.” Rich looked down at his video game player and frowned. “Do I have to be a grown up?” he asked. 

“Well-- Yeah. You have certain, uh. Commitments to honor.”

“That sounds bad. I don’t want to do it.”

“Rich--”

“My name is Dick! Shit!”

“Don’t say shit,” Jay said, glaring at Mike for laughing with delight. “Or-- I don’t know, say whatever you want, I guess. Trust me, just-- You have things going on in your adult life that you’re not gonna want to miss.”

“Like what things? Adults don’t do anything fun. I don’t believe you.”

“We do all kinds of fun shit,” Mike said, in a don’t-question-me-kid tone that Jay found embarrassingly attractive. “You’ll see. You’ll be thanking us for years if we fix this for you, believe me.” 

Rich didn’t reply, just pouted down at his video game player like he was afraid to talk back to Mike. 

They reached Plinkett’s house, and Jay carried Rich to the door on account of his lack of shoes. It was warm enough out that he didn’t need a coat but not so much that a t-shirt really cut it. Rich clung to Jay like he was cold on the way up Plinkett’s front walk, and Jay internally chastised himself for also not thinking to buy Rich a little kid-sized hoodie or something. 

Mike pounded on the door. They could hear the slow approach of Plinkett’s walker, also his disgruntled muttering. When Plinkett opened the door he was in his usual getup, scowling at them from behind his mirrored sunglasses.

“What the hell is this?” Plinkett asked, staring at Jay and Rich, who was hiding his face against Jay’s neck shyly. Plinkett turned back to Mike. “Huh. You finally got Jay pregnant, eh? I suppose congratulations are in order.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Mike said, shoving Plinkett into the house. “Get out of the way, we’re coming in.” 

“Ahh, fuck!” Plinkett said, nearly falling over. 

Rich lifted his face and looked distressed. Jay cut Mike a look, warning him not to commit acts of violence or use bad words that would scare Rich. Mike seemed to understand this, rolling his eyes in acknowledgment. 

“Just what the hell is going on here?” Plinkett asked when they were inside, the front door shut behind them. “You two spawned a child somehow? Or stole one?” 

“This is our friend,” Jay said, rubbing Rich’s back when he hid his face again, his little arms wrapped almost uncomfortably tight around Jay’s neck. Jay had planned to put him down once they got inside, but there was broken glass all over the floor, and Rich seemed too scared to let go of him anyway. “He got de-aged by an alien blaster.” 

“So?” Plinkett barked, tottering on his walker. “What’s that got to do with me?”

“We know you have access to spells and sh-- and stuff,” Mike said, glancing over at Jay and Rich. “We have to fix him with magic, or alien tech, or something.” 

“And just what the hell’s in it for me?” Plinkett asked, predictably. 

“How about free VCR repair work for a full year!” Jay said, trying to make his eyes bright as he offered this, as if he believed it was a great deal.

“Work?” Plinkett said, and he scoffed. “I’ve seen what that word means to you two. No fuckin’ thanks.” 

“What if we just offer to not kick your ass if you agree to help us?” Mike said, crowding into Plinkett’s space.

“Mike!” Jay hissed, and he choked a little when Rich held him even tighter. “Dick, careful, you’re choking me--” 

“Hey, speaking of choking on dicks,” Plinkett said, grinning at Jay in a worrying way. “I know what it’ll take. One night with you, my tiny prince, and you can have whatever magic spells you need for your little friend there.”

“No!” Mike said, charging Plinkett and nearly knocking him over, again. 

“Suit yourself!” Plinkett said, cowering. “But those are my terms!”

“You can stuff your terms up your--” Mike looked over at Jay and Rich, who’d loosened his grip on Jay a little and lifted his face. “We’ll raise him for the next thirteen years and fully fund his college education before letting you lay a finger on Jay,” Mike said, pointing his finger in Plinkett’s face.

“Xandu wouldn’t allow it, anyway,” Jay said, hoping he was right about this. “But-- Maybe-- A date, would be okay.”

“Jay!” Mike said, boggling at him. 

“What? I’ve been on a date with him before. And nothing would happen afterward,” Jay added, glaring at Plinkett. “The date would have to be in public.” 

Jay winced at the thought of being seen with this old codger out on the town, but he could do that much, at least, for poor Rich, who was currently trembling in Jay’s arms, which were getting tired fast. 

“Hmm,” Plinkett said, rubbing his chin. “Normally I’d say that’s a cheap offer, but I do have a very important social function coming up, and having a glamorous young man on my arm might be worth giving you guys a one-off spell.” 

“What social function,” Jay asked, with dread. 

“Why it’s the BFA Annual Ball, held right here in Milwaukee this year!”

“What the hell is the BFA?” Mike asked, his lip curling up already. “Butt Fuckers Anonymous?”

“Mike!” Jay said, but Rich was giggling like that was the height of comedy. Mike just looked proud of himself, grinning. 

“Hell no,” Plinkett said. “I do my butt fucking unanonymously these days. It’s the Balloon Federation of America, of course!”

“Balloons in what context?” Jay asked, picturing some horrendous fetish.

“Hot air balloon pilots! Don’t you fellas remember? In my younger days, I was quite the balloon pilot, and I still go to the social functions. Last time I made it to the ball, I bragged to everyone about my hot twink fiance, and showed them your picture, Jay. It’d be real embarrassing to go back this year and not have you on my arm, my sweet prince.” 

“Eugh,” Jay said, shifting Rich over to his other hip as his arms started to shake with exhaustion. Rich seemed to be growing heavier by the minute. “Fine, if you turn Rich back right now, I’ll go to the ball with you.”

“Ha! You think I was born yesterday? You’re gonna go to that ball with me, and only then will I summon Xandu and have him fix your friend.”

“Why’s Xandu gotta be involved?” Jay asked, holding Rich a little tighter. 

“He’s the one who does the magic, son, not me.” 

“Fine.” Jay gave Mike a wary look. “When’s the ball?”

“Just two days from now!”

Jay groaned at the thought of taking care of little Rich for two more days, also leaving Rich’s fiancee in the dark for that long, but they didn’t seem to have any other choice. He got the details of the ball from Plinkett, who went on and on about his specifications on what Jay should wear, say, and do. Finally Jay couldn’t hold Rich any longer, his muscles screaming for a break. 

“How’d you like to ride on Mike’s shoulders?” Jay asked, bringing Rich over to him. 

“I guess,” Rich said. He didn’t protest when Mike took the hint and let Jay hand Rich off to him. Mike had massive shoulders, and Rich scrambled up onto them, wrapping his skinny arms around the top of Mike’s head. 

“Isn’t that cute,” Plinkett said. He collapsed into his green chair and looked close to falling asleep after droning on for what felt like an hour about what Jay should expect to do as his date to this ball. 

“When are we going in the hot air balloon?” Rich asked. 

“Well, sonny, I got an old canvas down in my basement--”

“No,” Jay snapped. “We’re leaving now. I’ll see you on Monday night for the-- Ball.” He sneered after pronouncing that last word, already anticipating that this thing was going to be way worse than it sounded. And it sounded pretty bad. At least he wouldn’t have to be naked or wear some weird costume. Plinkett wanted him in a full tuxedo, apparently. 

Mike had to duck pretty low to exit the house without banging Rich’s head on the door frame, and he carried him out to the car that way, still on his shoulders. Rich seemed to be in better spirits, and Jay decided they had to buy him some shoes, since he’d be with them like this for two more days. 

“I didn’t like that man,” Rich said when he was buckled into the backseat beside Jay again, grabbing for his video game. 

“Nobody does,” Mike said. “But unfortunately he has access to magical powers.”

“How come you don’t have that?”

“‘Cause I didn’t marry a volcano god on the astral plane.” 

“That’s stupid,” Rich said, flicking his video game on. He looked up at Jay while it loaded, then at Mike. “Are you married to him?” Rich asked, speaking to Jay and pointing at Mike.

“No,” Jay said. “We’re-- Friends.” 

“You slept together in the bed.”

“So what? You were there, too, and you’re just our friend.”

“I saw you kissing in the kitchen.” 

“You-- That’s none of your business.” Jay wasn’t sure why this was making him flustered. “You shouldn’t spy on people.”

Rich shrugged and resumed his absorption in the game. Jay glanced at Mike, who was of course staring at Jay in the rearview mirror.

“Eyes on the road!” Jay snapped. 

“I don’t like the idea of you going to this ball thing,” Mike said when they’d parked at Wal-Mart. “Something’s fishy.” 

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Jay said. “Let’s just get this shopping trip over with and try not to get arrested for kidnapping.”

“Jay, it’s 2020. Two men can go into a Wal-Mart in Milwaukee with a child and not get stared at.” 

Jay wasn’t sure that was true. It might be true of two more harmless or at least responsible-looking men, but he and Mike had always been looked at askance anyway, and now they were entering a retail establishment with a shoeless boy. Rich was again riding on Mike’s shoulders, which only made them more conspicuous. Jay just wanted to get this over with. 

The boys’ shoe section in Wal-Mart was a chaotic mess. Jay wanted to make this quick with some slip-on shoes, but Rich wanted ones with laces, even though he couldn’t tie them. He was getting ornery and on Jay’s nerves, and Mike wasn’t helping by saying Rich could pick any shoes he wanted. 

“It’s my money,” Jay said. “I should really get to decide.” 

“But they’re Rich’s shoes,” Mike said. “Also-- I have his wallet. We could use one of his cards.”

“I have cards?” Rich said, perking up. “Let me see them! Are they Magic cards?”

Jay was going to snap that they weren’t those kind of cards, glowering at Mike for making this worse and seeming to enjoy Jay’s irritation, when he heard someone calling his name from the main aisle, behind him. 

He turned and saw his friend Josh standing there, holding a bag of pork rinds and a plastic-wrapped Scrabble box. 

Jay’s heart dropped, and he felt his face go white as Josh gave Mike a smile before his eyes fell on Rich, who was seated on a bench while Mike laced up a tiny tennis shoe for him. 

“Uhh,” Josh said, still smiling, his brow creasing a little. “Hey, Mike. Who’s this little guy?”

“I’m Dick,” Rich said. 

“My sister’s kid,” Jay blurted.

“No, I’m not,” Rich said. “Who’s your sister?”

Jay laughed in a bark, his bleach white face going bright red as he grabbed Josh’s arm and lead him away from his scene as casually as he could manage. 

“He’s just being a brat,” Jay said. “Just-- We’re babysitting-- I’m babysitting--”

“Mike is helping?” Josh said, craning his head to see the scene Jay was pulling him away from. “Wow, that’s-- Unexpected.” 

“Yeah, it’s, we, I--”

“Are you okay?” Josh frowned over at Mike and Rich again before returning his gaze to Jay’s burning face. “You look-- Freaked out?”

“Mike and I are dating now,” Jay said, blurting the first excuse for his weirdness that came to mind, knowing he’d regret it later but really not in the mood to explain about the aliens and other weird shit that only ever seemed to happen to him and Mike. Their other friends just wouldn’t understand, except of course for Rich, because this shit happened to him all the time, too. 

“Ohhh,” Josh said, his eyebrows going up. He finally stopped trying to look back at Rich and Mike, at least. “Wow,” he said, pushing his glasses up on his nose with one finger. “I don’t know what to say about that.”

“No need to say anything, um-- Wait, what? What do you mean?”

“Nothing, just. You complain about him a lot,” Josh said, lowering his voice. 

“Well-- Yeah--”

“And doesn’t he kind of use you for sex?” Josh asked, whispering. 

“No!” Jay glowered and stepped back. “If anything, I was using him.”

“You--? Oh, okay.”

“Or-- No, it’s mutual-- Was mutual, like. But now-- You know what, never mind. Maybe just stay out of it.”

“Jeez, sorry. Is that really your sister’s kid?”

“What-- Of course it is! Who the hell else would it be? Do you think Mike and I decided to adopt a kid together? We didn’t!”

“Okay, sorry!”

“Just-- Forget I said anything. Don’t go around telling everyone about me and Mike.” 

“I won’t,” Josh said.

Bullshit, Jay wanted to say, but he let it drop and said goodbye, returning to Mike and Rich, who was now wearing the slip on shoes.

“He decided he likes these better,” Mike said, pointing. His face was flushed, though probably not as bright as Jay’s, which was on fire. 

“Who was that man?” Rich asked.

“Never mind,” Jay said, dying inside at the thought of the chain of events he’d just set off in his panic to explain Rich. “I’m glad you like those shoes. Let’s get out of here, please?”

They picked up a few other things before checking out, including a tiny toothbrush for Rich, and a little tube of kiddie toothpaste with the Avengers on it. Jay also grabbed a sweatshirt for him and more beer, figuring they’d need it. He was on edge until they were back in the car, afraid he’d see Josh again, or someone else he knew, and he let out a huge breath once he was in the backseat beside Rich.

“What’s wrong?” Rich asked, reaching over to pat Jay’s leg. 

“Nothing,” Jay said. He put his hand over Rich’s and gave his little fingers a squeeze. “Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“Uhhh,” Mike said doubtfully.

Jay gave him a look, then saw what Mike was concerned about. He was holding Rich’s flip phone, and he passed it back to Jay.

“What’s that?” Rich asked, trying to see.

“Nothing.” Jay held it out of reading range, turning away from Rich to see the new text from Elly. 

_Hey, is everything okay? I feel weird about this. You going away so suddenly just after we sent out the invitations… please tell me I’m being paranoid? It’s just… you’ve never had a business trip before. You’re a carpenter, so… ? I’m confused, please call me._

“Oh shit,” Jay mumbled. 

“Why oh shit?” Rich asked, trying to climb over Jay’s shoulder and read the text. 

“What do we do?” Mike asked.

“About what?” Rich asked, whining.

“Stop!” Jay said, pushing him back into his seat. “It’s a grown up thing, don’t worry about it.”

“But I’m your grown up friend, you said.”

“Not right not you’re not! Be still and let me think.”

Jay was sweating under his t-shirt, staring down at the flip phone after shutting it. It felt like a bomb in his hand, which was either going to detonate Rich’s life or not depending on what Jay did next. 

“I have an idea,” Jay said. 

“Good,” Mike said. “‘Cause I’m freaking out.”

“You’re that concerned about R-- About your friend’s love life, huh?”

“I’m not a heartless bastard, Jay!” Mike said, glaring at him. “Despite whatever you told Josh.”

“Wait, what?”

“I heard him say I was using you. Hmm. Kinda felt like the other way around to me.”

“Mike-- Jesus christ, not now!”

Jay ignored Mike’s pouting and typed a reply to Elly. Rich was back to playing his video game, blessedly. Jay waited until they’d reached Mike’s apartment building and showed the text to Mike before sending it. 

_okay, you got me, I’m planning a special honeymoon thing for you and me and I just need a couple of days out of town to make some arrangements. Sorry to scare you. I just wanted it to be a surprise. Love you, will explain more soon_

“I dunno,” Mike said, staring down at this with a grimace. “They might already have a honeymoon plan.” 

“Well, do you have a better idea?”

“No.” 

“And I don’t think we should just let this sit while she thinks about it and winds herself up even more.”

“Who?” Rich asked, still staring down at his video game. “Your sister?”

“Yeah, my sister.” Jay looked back to Mike and raised his eyebrows.

“I guess it’s worth a shot,” Mike said. “Hope Rich can afford some fancy honeymoon.” 

Jay sent the text, though he wasn’t sure it was the right move either. He thought of the way Rich’s normally bored to death face had lit up when he talked about this woman and called her the love of his life. Feeling terrible, he followed Mike and Rich up to Mike’s apartment so Mike could change his clothes and take a shower. 

Jay sat with Rich on Mike’s couch while Mike showered. He pretended to watch with interest as Rich played his video game, actually fretting about a number of things, including what Mike had said to him in the car. Mike thought Jay was using him for sex? What the fuck?

“You seem sad,” Rich said, still playing the game.

“I’m not,” Jay said. “I’m just thinking.”

Rich leaned over to rest his shoulder against Jay’s arm anyway, as if to offer his support. Jay slumped down beside him and didn’t move away. It made no sense that being comforted by a child actually made him feel a little better, but he appreciated that someone cared.

When Mike emerged he was freshly shaven and dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt that made his arms look huge, his hair still wet and a little messy. Jay stared up at Mike, wanting to run his fingers through his hair to settle it into place. Mike stared back, looking-- Something. Wounded? Fond? Jay couldn’t read him as well as he’d thought, maybe.

“Let’s go out to lunch,” Mike said. 

“Yeah!” Rich said, perking up. “I want McDonalds!”

“We really shouldn’t risk being seen together again,” Jay said. “And McDonalds is nasty.”

“No, it’s not!” Rich looked at Jay like he was personally hurt by this statement. “It’s delicious!”

“Yeah,” Mike said, and he smirked at the look Jay gave him. “We can do the drive thru, how’s that?”

“Works for me!” Rich said, hopping off the couch. “I’m so hungry, please?”

Jay caved, figuring it couldn’t hurt. He hadn’t been to McDonalds in about ten years and hadn’t missed it, fast food having been one of the easier things to give up when he fixed his diet. The chicken sandwich he ordered was bad, somehow managing to taste greasy despite being grilled, but Mike and Rich were happy, and Jay couldn’t deny that it felt nice to sit in back with the windows rolled down and watch them both eating fries. Mike had the radio on, playing loud pop music that Jay wasn’t familiar with. Rich was wiggling in his seat like he could hardly contain the joy that these fries were bringing him. The toy that had come with his Happy Meal was some kind of goofy troll thing that Rich had declared a ‘girl toy,’ but it was sitting in his lap while he ate, not entirely rejected.

When they got home, Jay couldn’t stand the McDonald’s smell on himself and took a shower to get rid of it. Mike had packed a bag for a two night stay at Jay’s place, and Jay felt dumbly happy about this as he washed himself, his dick getting hard while his hands traveled over his skin. He decided a quiet shower jerk-off wouldn’t be out of order and closed his eyes, touching himself and thinking about what Mike said in the car, that he’d felt like Jay was using him for sex. Jay found this overdramatic to a ridiculous degree and decided he could get off on it, actually: he imagined himself ordering Mike to undress, getting him fully hard with his hand and climbing on, telling Mike to just lie back and take it while Jay rode Mike’s dick like it belonged to him.

That wasn’t how it usually went, of course. Usually Mike was picking on Jay at the shop, getting all up in his face and suddenly settling his hands on Jay’s shoulders to make a point of their size difference, taunting him with it. This was often enough to get Jay hard, or at least well on his way, his cock throbbing for the way Mike stared down into his eyes when he got like that, like he thought he could do whatever he wanted to Jay, in a way that made Jay want to let him. 

Jay was still touching himself under the blast of the shower water, tilting his chest so the water would hit his nipples just right. It wasn’t near as good as Mike’s fingers or teeth there when Mike was slamming deep inside him, too, the best combination of pleasure and pain that Jay had to admit he was addicted to. He’d stopped fucking around with other guys years ago, sticking to just pushing himself between Mike’s heavy legs any time he wanted some dick. Maybe Mike had a point that Jay was using him, a little, but Mike used Jay, too, and he acted like Jay was his personal property more often than not. Mike had a habit of feeling down between Jay’s legs after fucking him wide open, finishing inside him and pulling out, leaving Jay a sticky mess. Mike would give him a gloating smile, kiss him while he tried to get his breathing back to normal, and shove his fingers inside like he wanted to stuff the come that was leaking out back in, because that was where it belonged. 

Jay came with a sharp cry that he almost failed to successfully muffle with his hand, pushed over his edge by the memory of Mike’s sharky face hovering over his while Mike fingered him post-fuck. It always felt so good, when Jay was sensitive and still surrendered, trying to recover and just whining helplessly while Mike again reduced him to a wibbly mess, making Jay linger just that much longer in the feeling of being so well-fucked he couldn’t think. Alone in the shower, his orgasm was intense but also over too fast, and he felt lonely in the aftermath, standing under the water on shaky legs and watching his come wash down the drain. 

When he was dressed in clean clothes, his hair styled and teeth brushed to get rid of the McDonalds aftertaste, he found Mike and and Rich stretched out on the futon, watching _Ghostbusters_. Rich hadn’t cuddled up to Mike the way he did with Jay, but he was sitting close to Mike, his little hands folded over his belly as he watched the movie. Jay was pretty sure he’d seen adult Rich sit the same way.

“Is he old enough for that movie?” Jay asked from the doorway.

“Yes,” Rich said. “I am.”

“Seems so,” Mike said, nodding and deferring to the child’s judgment, naturally. 

“You can turn it off if it’s too scary,” Jay said when Rich glanced at him. 

“I’m not scared of ghosts,” Rich said. “That’s dumb. They’re not even real.”

“Hey now,” Mike said.

Jay snickered and left them to it. He had some TV shows he wanted to catch up on out in the living room. He’d planned to spend this weekend taking it easy, maybe going to the gym and running some errands. He was at least going to have his TV time. 

Within half an hour, Jay had his first text from one of his friends about the run-in with Josh at Wal-Mart.

_wait are you seriously dating that guy from the repair shop with the big dick?_

Jay ignored the text. He’d known that Josh would tell his girlfriend, and she would tell her friends, some of whom were friends with Jay’s friends-- Whatever. In a few days he could tell everyone that he and Mike broke up. None of them would be surprised. 

An hour later he was on his second episode of the Netflix show he’d started last week that was still pretty good. Mike emerged from the guest room and went to Jay’s fridge. He came over to the couch with two beers and passed one to Jay.

“Rich is taking a little nap in there,” Mike said.

“Good,” Jay said, and he clicked his beer can against Mike’s to toast this news. “Thanks for, um. Watching over him. He wasn’t too scared by the movie?”

“Naw, he’s a tough little guy.”

Jay nodded and drank from his beer. He stared at the TV, no longer able to pay attention to what was going on in the show. He could feel Mike staring at him. 

“What?” Jay said when he couldn’t take it anymore, turning toward Mike. 

“Nothing,” Mike said. 

“You came out here just to stare at me while I watch TV?”

“Yep.” 

Jay sighed and gave up. He drank from his beer, put the can on the coffee table atop a coaster, and leaned over to rest his cheek on Mike’s shoulder. Mike had a good body for cuddling up to: substantial and strong but soft, too. 

“You smell like fries,” Jay said when Mike went stiff like he didn’t know how to handle this. 

“Sorry,” Mike said. 

“You should be. Rich is going to have to bathe at some point, by the way. A five year old can do that alone without drowning, right?”

“Should be fine.” 

“I’ll make the bathwater shallow,” Jay said, closing his eyes against the sleeve of Mike’s t-shirt. “Just in case.” 

Jay pretended to sleep, listening to the dialogue in the show. Maybe he’d rewatch this episode later. Mike didn’t just smell like fries. He also smelled good, especially right where Jay had rested his head, like the perfect combination of sweat and deodorant, with a hint of aftershave and beer. Jay sighed as softly as he could manage when he felt Mike’s fingers stroking through his hair. 

“Did you tell Josh we’re dating?” Mike asked, apparently aware Jay was only faking sleep.

“I panicked. He was looking at Rich with suspicion. I thought-- If I threw that out there, it’d be a good enough distraction for the weirdness of us co-babysitting.” 

“Hmm. I guess that makes sense.” 

“I can’t believe I have to go to a hot air balloon party with Plinkett.” 

“No good deed goes unpunished, Jay. You know this. But hopefully we can help Rich.”

“Has his fiancee responded to that text about a surprise honeymoon?”

“Shit, I forgot to check.” Mike dug out the phone and flipped it open. Jay left his chin on Mike’s shoulder and read the new texts from Elly when Mike held the phone up for him.

_That doesn’t really make sense, honey_

_I thought we were doing Tahiti?_

_If something is wrong, I wish you’d just tell me_

Rich also had three missed calls from her.

“Fuck, Mike!” Jay said, bolting upright. “You missed all this while you were watching _Ghostbusters_?”

“What the hell was I supposed to do, put Rich on the phone? Tell her to come over and have him explain in person? It’s fucked, Jay, I’m sorry. He’s just going to have to explain what really happened when he’s back to normal.”

“Yeah, like that won’t ruin things between them, too! The real explanation is even worse than the other two we tried, and she’s already figured out those are lies.” 

“Well, maybe she’ll accept the truth!”

“You really think she knows all about Rich’s past exploits with aliens?”

“Maybe! The fuck do you know about relationships, anyway?”

“What the hell?” Jay said, glaring at Mike when he stood from the couch and chugged the remains of his beer. “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

“Now’s not really the time,” Mike said, sneering at Jay like he should know this. 

“The time for what?”

Mike paced and crushed the empty beer can in his massive hand. Jay tried not to find this hot. He kept his expression mean, though maybe meanness wasn’t what Mike needed right now. 

“I just think it’s hilarious that your mind goes to me and you dating as your distraction technique,” Mike said. “Telling your friends outright about the aliens might go over better.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it’s more believable. You’d never date me.”

“You don’t even date,” Jay said, confused and aware that he was doing the unattractive snarl thing that he couldn’t suppress when someone was acting this insane. “You just fuck.”

“Yeah, maybe there’s a reason for that.”

“I know what the reason is, Mike.”

“What’s that, Jay.”

“You get everything you want out of people that way, then you go off and do whatever you want without worrying about someone else’s-- Feelings, or needs, or--”

“That’s you!” Mike said, shouting, his eyes blown open like he couldn’t believe Jay’s fucking nerve. “You shithead, you’re describing yourself!”

Jay leapt off the couch to deny this, but before he could he heard Rich’s little voice from the hallway.

“Why are you yelling?” 

Rich sounded scared. He was looking at Mike, the troll doll from his Happy Meal clutched in his fist like a talisman. 

“Rich-- Dick, it’s okay,” Jay said, going to him and kneeling down to squeeze his shoulder. “We were just, uh. Rehearsing for a movie that we’re working on.” 

“A movie?” Rich said, squinting. He looked sleepy and confused, upset. “That’s not true. You were fighting.”

“I’m sorry,” Mike said. He was speaking to Rich, but his gaze slid to Jay after he’d said so. “Sorry,” he said again. “I was being dumb. I won’t yell anymore.” 

“What were you fighting about?” Rich asked, shifting his worried gaze to Jay’s.

“Just dumb adult stuff.” Jay smoothed Rich’s wild hair down for him. “How about you take a bath, huh? I’ll get it going for you, and you can do the rest, right?”

“Yes, I know how to take a bath,” Rich said, with such near-sarcastic disbelief that Jay could ask such a dumb question that he almost sounded like his adult self. 

The rest of their evening together was uneventful. Rich took his bath and returned to the living room in his flannel pants and a new t-shirt, the final clean one of the three Jay had bought for him. Jay made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, figuring this was a good kid-friendly choice, and both Rich and Mike whined in complaint that he’d used ground turkey for the meatballs and wheat pasta, because it was healthier. They finished their plates anyway, and Jay was embarrassingly close to proud of himself for this.

“Fruit for dessert?” Rich said when Jay served him orange slices. “Am I being punished?”

“Of course not,” Jay said, ruffling Rich’s hair. “But you already had McDonalds. Only one serving of junk food per day in this household.” 

“If we were staying at my house we’d have junk food for every meal,” Mike said. He’d been kissing Rich’s butt all night, probably just to annoy Jay and get Rich on his side. 

Rich stared at Mike for a moment, considering this.

“‘Cause you’re fat?” he said, mildly. 

“Hey, c’mon,” Jay said, turning to see Mike giving Rich the kind of look he’d give the adult Rich after that remark. “It’s not nice to call people fat. And Mike’s just-- A big guy, is all.”

“Just you wait,” Mike said, narrowing his eyes at Rich. “Just you wait.”

“For what?” Rich asked, looking alarmed. 

“Aging gracefully looks real easy from where you’re sitting. But you’re about to find out it ain’t.” 

“Stop!” Jay said. “You’ll scare him. Rich-- Aging is fine. It’s a journey.” 

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Rich said.

“Yeah, no kidding, pal,” Mike said. 

“Mike, can you not? Rich, bring your plate over here if you don’t want your oranges. I’ll put them away.”

“I do want them!” 

Rich grabbed for one and used his teeth to scrape the fruit away from the peel. Jay had to wonder what would be different if he were the one raising Rich, for real, maybe with Mike’s help. He didn’t want that at all, couldn’t wait for things to get back to normal, but he did have to wonder.

When it was bedtime and Rich was nodding off on the couch against Jay’s arm, _The Muppet Movie_ playing on the living room TV, Jay picked Rich up and carried him into the guest room. 

“No nightmares tonight, okay?” Jay said after he’d tucked Rich in. 

“Okay,” Rich said, in a tiny, tired voice that made some instinctual thing in Jay ache. It was some kind of nostalgia for his own childhood, maybe. 

“But if you do have bad dreams, it’s okay,” Jay said. “We’ll be right across the hall in my room if you need us.”

“Why can’t you stay in here with me?”

“Because you’re not a baby, right? You can sleep in here by yourself, and if you need us just come to the door or call out. Okay?”

Rich nodded but was still clinging to the hem of Jay’s shirt. Jay sat next to him and pet his hair until he conked out, which only took a few seconds. Rich’s fingers uncurled from Jay’s shirt and Jay stood up slowly, backing out of the room as quietly as he could. 

Mike was asleep on the couch, arms crossed over his chest and head tipped back onto the cushions. Jay stood over him a moment, wanting to pet his hair, too. He thought about what Mike had said, accusing Jay of using him for sex and not wanting to deal with his feelings or needs. What bullshit. Jay went into the kitchen and started cleaning up the dinner dishes angrily, resenting the fact that Mike was leveling that accusation at him while Jay was very literally taking care of Mike and his hapless friend, feelings and all. 

“Whatcha doing?” Mike asked, and Jay jumped away from the sink, cursing and spraying the backwash with the detachable faucet. 

“Jesus, you scared me!”

“Sorry.” Mike rubbed his eyes and walked into the kitchen. He came up behind Jay at the sink and rested his chin on Jay’s shoulder, his hands coming to Jay’s hips. “I’m sorry, Jay,” he said, murmuring this against the back of Jay’s ear. 

“You’re sleepwalking or something,” Jay said. Before today, he’d never heard Mike apologize for anything. 

“I’m horny,” Mike confessed, whispering. 

“Hmm, I should have known. You can go jerk off in my bed if you want, but make sure you lock the door, so Rich doesn’t wander in.” 

“Come jerk me off,” Mike said, rubbing one hand up over Jay’s belly. “With your mouth,” he said, whispering this into Jay’s ear in a jokey voice, though he was probably serious.

“No!” Jay said, and he couldn’t help laughing when Mike tickled his sides. Jay elbowed him away. “I’m not in the mood,” Jay said, though he was horny as fuck, too, despite everything. 

“You’re always in the mood,” Mike said, swatting Jay’s ass as he backed off. “You wear me out sometimes. But I still get it up for you, Jay. Every time, dutifully.” 

“Shh!” Jay hissed. “God, have some consideration. There’s a child sleeping down the hall.”

“Just because we’re parents now, doesn’t mean we can’t have a sex life anymore, Jay.”

Mike grinned when Jay turned to give him a look of horror. Mike looked amused with himself, then kind of-- Something else. Hopeful? Sad, maybe, though he was still smiling.

“That’d be a nightmare,” Jay said, and he felt cruel, but Mike had to know he was right. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do if Xandu can’t undo all of this.” 

“I know,” Mike said.

“You-- What?”

“I know what you’d do.”

“What?” Jay asked, clutching a dishrag, not sure he wanted to hear this.

“You’d do the right thing, Jay. You can’t help it. You’d take care of Rich for however long you had to. Man, if you hadn’t been there when this happened, I’d probably have just dumped the poor guy with his fiancee. And they’d both be traumatized.” 

“You don’t know that,” Jay said, mumbling. 

“I need you,” Mike said, grabbing the back of one of Jay’s dining room chairs like he had to brace himself on something. “Is what I’m saying.”

“I-- I know that.” Jay turned and folded the dish rag, staring down into the clean sink basin. The back of his neck was hot. “You need me-- To do the nasty stuff when we pull a con job, like marrying Mr. Plinkett while you just collect the money. And you need me to tell you how much I love your cock a hundred times while I’m riding it, as if you can’t tell, and to dump you in your bed when you’re blackout drunk, and to-- To tell you to drink water when you’re hungover--”

Jay stopped there. He could feel how cruel he was being, and he wasn’t sure why it was his instinct, when Mike was back there telling him how good he was, as if Jay possessed some kind of pure, nurturing spirit that Mike wanted to rub all over himself like a cure.

“You think that’s all I need from you, huh,” Mike said, suddenly standing close behind Jay again. 

Jay turned and looked up into Mike’s eyes. He couldn’t deal with this right now. What even was this, anyway? Mike wanted to say fuck it and raise Rich with him? To get married? To call Jay his boyfriend? Mike was the one who’d freaked out when Rich made that assumption while handing over their joint wedding invitation. 

“When things are back to normal and I’m not serving you dinner like a housewife, you won’t want this anymore,” Jay said. “You’re just-- Getting off on me doing things for you-- It’s what you do--”

Mike took hold of Jay’s chin and tipped his head back a little further, exposing his throat and making Jay’s cock start to fill in his jeans, because jesus he liked it when Mike looked at him like this, staring all the way into him and telling him with his eyes: you’re fucked, I win. 

“I like you better as a cocksucking slut, actually,” Mike said, muttering this directly over Jay’s parted lips. “Which is back to normal, ‘cause that’s your default.”

“Get off of me,” Jay said, though he wanted nothing less. 

Mike released him and stepped backward. He was a little hard in his jeans, too, and was smirking after he saw Jay checking out his dick. 

“You can sleep on the couch,” Jay said, adjusting his own jeans. “This cocksucking slut doesn’t like sharing his bed.” 

“I know. You’d rather get on your knees for me at the shop. You like it nice and impersonal. Like you’re serving me.”

“That’s right,” Jay said, hurrying away before this could get worse, or before his dick could get harder. “Goodnight!”

“Yeah, sleep tight. You know where I am if you need anything.”

“I don’t!”

Jay shut his bedroom door hard, then regretted it. He listened for any hint that he’d awakened Rich, and when he heard nothing he locked his door and stripped off his jeans, grabbing for his cock as soon as his ass hit the bed. 

He didn’t want to be jerking off to thoughts about Mike for the second time that day, but it was inevitable after that stunt in the kitchen, so he didn’t even try to fight it. He thought about what he would have allowed to happen if Rich wasn’t here, sleeping innocently. Mike would have pushed Jay to his knees and held him down with one heavy hand while pulling his thick, perfect cock out with the other. Jay’s mouth would have watered at the sight of it, and Mike would have held Jay’s hair in his hand, keeping him just clear of taking it into mouth, teasing the sticky head against Jay’s straining bottom lip, making him beg. 

Jay would have begged. He felt like he might beg even if Mike showed up at his bedroom door now, offering his cock. Jay’s hand was moving fast on his own dick. He hadn’t bothered with lube, didn’t really need it with the amount of pre-come he was producing for the thought of being used hard by Mike in his own kitchen, with Jay’s head smacking back against the cabinets behind him while Mike fucked his face mercilessly, pinning him there with his huge thighs pressing in around Jay’s sore jaw. 

He loved it when Mike was especially rough with him, when Mike called him a slut and slapped his ass, when he laughed at Jay’s little whimpers and just took him harder. Mike knew Jay loved all this. Did he think it meant Jay wouldn’t love anything else, ever? Maybe he wouldn’t. Jay’s mind went right to a certain kind of fantasy when he was this turned on, his hand pushed up under his t-shirt so he could pull and twist his nipples. It never felt like enough when he did it himself. He needed Mike’s hands on him, needed to get pounded into the mattress and to drift in brainless bliss after Mike’s cock had punched an orgasm out of him, leaving him throbbing and sensitive and wet with Mike’s come. 

He needed-- Fucking needed Mike, so bad, and if they were alone here Jay would have cried out for him, too close to coming to even get off the bed to unlock the goddamn door. Mike would have to kick it down, and he’d fuck Jay so hard for making him work for it, would push Jay’s knees up to his shoulders and slam into him until Jay lost his voice from crying out Mike’s name. 

“Oh fuck,” Jay said, as softly as he could, when he came all over his belly and fingers, feeling empty and overheated. He was embarrassed in the aftermath, as if anyone was present to see him falling apart for the thought of the guy who was probably jerking himself off in Jay’s bathroom right now, wasting that big load of come in Jay’s sink, when he could have pumped it down Jay’s throat, into his ass, all over his face, anywhere.

Jay groaned and dragged his hand over his face, feeling newly stupid. He could hear the sink running in the bathroom. Maybe Mike was just finishing up after jacking off, too, or maybe he was using Jay’s toothbrush. 

Jay got himself together, cleaned up and waited until he couldn’t hear any noise from out in the apartment except for the faint sound of the living room TV. Mike was probably asleep on the couch already. Jay opened his bedroom door quietly and crept across the hall to check on Rich. He was sleeping peacefully, curled up under the blanket. Satisfied, Jay returned to his bedroom, this time leaving the door cracked open a little, in case Rich had a bad dream.

Or in case Mike needed him, maybe, too.

*


	3. Chapter 3

“Jay. Jay. Jay? Jay!”

Jay woke up with an undignified snort, expecting Mike. It took him a moment to remember his current reality when he turned over in bed and saw Rich’s tiny face peering at him instead. 

“I’m cold,” Rich said, already climbing into bed with Jay, clambering over his side with the video game player in his hand. 

“Where’s the sweatshirt I bought you?” Jay asked, still feeling only half aware of what was going on.

“I dunno,” Rich said, settling inside the curve of Jay’s outstretched arm and then against his chest, lifting the player so they could both see its screen, where he had his usual game paused. “I just got to this boss fight, and I haven’t saved in a long time! I’m scared.” 

“You-- What?”

“Watch, okay? Hopefully I can beat this guy.” 

Jay dropped his head back to the pillow and sighed, resigned to witness Rich’s boss fight, his eyelids puffy from sleep. He was still tired, but Rich’s squirming kept him awake as he half acted-out the moves he was doing in the game, kicking his legs out and jabbing Jay in the center of his chest with his bony elbow. 

“I am really good at this!” Rich said, beaming at Jay when he’d beaten the boss guy. 

“Yep,” Jay said, smiling back at him tiredly. “Great job.”

“Thank you!”

Jay managed to drift back into a thin sleep, and he woke when he heard Mike’s approaching footsteps. 

“There you are,” Mike said, presumably to Rich. Jay kept his eyes closed. 

“Shhh!” Rich said, whispering. “Jay is sleeping. Did you have a bad dream?”

“I, uh. Yeah, actually.”

“You can come here,” Rich said, and Jay felt him pat the mattress. 

Jay was surprised when Mike actually got into bed with them, the bed dipping so that both Rich and Jay rolled toward him slightly as he settled in on the other side of Rich. 

“Look that this,” Rich said, turning his back against Jay’s chest and presumably showing Mike the video game player.

“Wow,” Mike said. “What’s that thing there?”

“That? Oh, that’s a spitter, they’re easy to kill. I just beat the third to last boss before you came in here, you missed it.”

“Damn.” 

Rich giggled at the bad word and resumed the game, its tinny music just faintly audible at the volume he’d set it on. Jay could feel Mike staring at him from over Rich’s head, but he didn’t open his eyes. 

When Jay woke up again, Mike was asleep, lying on his side and turned toward them. Rich had his socked foot braced on Mike’s beer gut, the game turned off and resting on the bed between him and Mike. Jay assumed Rich was asleep, too, but he seemed wide awake when he felt Jay shifting behind him and turned over to look up into Jay’s face. 

“Jay,” Rich said, gripping the collar of Jay’s t-shirt. “Guess what?” he asked, whispering.

“What.”

“I can feel your heartbeat.” 

“Aw,” Jay said, without meaning to. “Yeah.” 

He wondered what time it was, and supposed it didn’t matter. It was Sunday, and none of them had anywhere to be until tomorrow, when Jay would have to do his duty at the hot air balloon fiesta and probably attempt to dance with Plinkett or some other, more humiliating thing. He’d have to find a tuxedo somehow. 

“Jay?” Rich said, tugging on Jay’s collar as soon as his eyes started to slip shut again.

“Hm?”

“Um. What’s going to happen when you have to go to that party?” 

“Mike will stay with you.” 

“Oh. No, I mean, umm. After? Do I have to do something?”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Jay said, though he wasn’t so sure. “We’ll take care of it.”

“Take care of-- Making me grown up, you said?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What if I want to stay like this? Like, here? With you?”

“You don’t, trust me. You’ll be much happier, uh. Back with the person you belong with.”

“Who’s that?”

“Your wife,” Jay said. “Soon, anyway.”

“Ew, a girl? No! No, I definitely don’t want to do that.”

“Rich-- Dick, I mean-- Are you going to let me sleep, or do we need to get up?”

“I think we need to get up.” 

“Wake Mike up, too, then.” 

“You wake him up, I gotta pee!”

Rich scrambled over Jay, jabbing him right in the side with his foot in the process and making him groan in pain. Jay rolled onto his stomach and looked over at Mike, whose eyes were suddenly open. 

“I’m awake,” Mike said. He looked morose. 

“Just one more day of this,” Jay said, keeping his voice soft, though he could hear Rich across the hall in the bathroom, slamming the toilet lid up with unnecessary force. 

“One more day,” Mike said. “Right. Hey, look. We’re in a bed together. Two days in a row.”

“I know, right.” Jay reached over to touch Mike’s nose, drawing a line with his fingertip from the bridge to the tip. “It’s almost as weird as when--” Jay turned to check the bedroom doorway. He could hear the bathroom sink running. “Almost as weird as when your dick was in my ass all those times,” Jay said when he turned back toward Mike, whispering. “But you’re right, this is way more intimate, it’s creeping me out.” 

Mike smiled a little and tried to capture Jay’s finger in his mouth. Jay rolled away from him and out of bed, though he didn’t want to. He could hear Rich jogging down the hall. 

Since it was potentially Rich’s last full day of childhood, Jay decided to let him do whatever he wanted. Rich asked to go to Disney World, and since they didn’t have the time or money for that, Jay drove him to the Dells. Mike came along, and was patient despite the loud water park crowds that Jay knew Mike hated. Mike was sweet, even, maybe getting sentimental about Rich’s last day as a kid, letting Rich ride on his shoulders and buying him all the junk food he asked for, until all Rich could do was curl up inside a towel and take a sugar coma-induced nap on the sun lounger between Mike’s and Jay’s.

“Did you come here a lot as a kid?” Mike asked, unashamedly sweeping his eyes over Jay’s naked chest for the tenth or one hundredth time that afternoon. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Didn’t you?”

“Not till high school. My parents weren’t big on, like, doing shit with us.”

“Ah.” Jay had heard a little bit about this, he supposed, but they were both usually wasted when they talked about their personal lives, especially if it was something to do with the past, so his memories of it were hazy. “Well,” Jay said, reaching over to smooth a damp cowlick in Rich’s hair down. “He’s happy, anyway.”

“Yeah.” Mike sounded almost choked up. Jay was afraid to meet his eyes and kept his gaze on Rich. “Jay-- If tomorrow doesn’t work out the way we want it to, uh. I’ll help you, you know? I’ll help you take care of him. For as long as--”

“Mike, don’t even put that out into the universe. It’s going to work. It’s going to be fine.”

Jay dragged his gaze up to Mike’s, wary. Mike was looking down at Rich, chewing his lip.

“Has his phone gotten any more panicked calls?” Jay asked, reminding Mike what was at stake here, and what an actual happy ending would look like for Rich: restored to himself and to the woman he loved, back to reality that was a happy one, for Rich.

“I dunno,” Mike said. “I didn’t bring it. Figured there’s no point.”

“Listen-- I was thinking, whenever Xandu changes him back, we have to put him in his adult clothes first, okay? Otherwise we’re gonna end up with a full-sized naked Rich and we’ll all be scarred for life.” 

“Har har, right. Always so practical, aren’t you, Jay?”

“And you’re so-- What?” Jay narrowed his eyes when Mike finally looked up at him. “You really think you want to raise a child with me? You lunatic. Pull yourself together, Mike.”

“Sue me if having an actual family is better than I thought it would be.”

Jay wanted to say: that’s what you think this is? But he didn’t, because of the look on Mike’s face, and because he sort of knew what Mike meant. All day he’d been feeling really good, living in the fantasy that the three of them actually belonged together, holding Rich’s hand while they watched Mike go on the big, scary slides that Rich was too little for. Rich always laughed and cheered like just watching Mike do it was as good as doing it himself. Jay sort of understood the feeling.

“You’ll be glad to have your friend back,” Jay said, reaching over to touch Mike’s cheek when his gaze fell to Rich. 

“Don’t patronize me, Jay,” Mike said, but he didn’t move away and even pushed into Jay’s touch a little, asking for more petting. 

When Rich woke up he had a second wind, and they moved from Noah’s Ark to Mt. Olympus, which had a whole kiddie land section that Rich scoffed at as too babyish. He preferred the arcade, and they spent a fortune letting him play games that he was mostly terrible at. They stayed all night and ate garbage theme park food for dinner, which Jay had to admit was kind of tasty, at least better than McDonalds. Jay’s parents had never let him stay for the fireworks when they’d brought him and his sisters to the Dells, insisting that it wasn’t worth getting stuck in the ensuing traffic jam when everyone left the parks at once. Now that he was grown up, Jay was sure they were right and was dreading being stuck in the car forever while they tried to get out of here, but he stayed anyway, and let Rich crawl into his lap when the massive booms from the fireworks overhead made him a little nervous. 

They didn’t even make it out of the park on foot before Rich was asleep with his cheek on Jay’s shoulder. Jay carried him until his arms wore out, then handed him off to Mike for the remainder of the trek. On the car ride home, Jay fell asleep, too, with Rich fast asleep and slumped against him in the backseat. By the time they got back to Jay’s place they were all dragging, and Jay could barely muster the energy to have Rich brush his teeth, but he did, because dental health was important. Jay stood next to him at the sink, brushing his own.

“That was really fun,” Rich said when Jay was lying next to him on the futon, Mike already passed out on the other side of him. Part of what Rich had requested, on his day of being able to ask for anything, was that they both sleep with him. 

“I’m glad you liked it,” Jay said, starting to drift off already himself, despite the long nap on the car ride home. 

“I don’t want to do this thing tomorrow.” 

“Don’t think about it,” Jay said, closing his eyes to put the thought of his mind himself. “Just sleep.” 

“Will it hurt? Changing back?”

“No.” Jay opened his eyes and let Rich squirm under his arm, hoping this was true. “It’ll be easy. We wouldn’t-- Do anything to hurt you, you know?”

“I know,” Rich said, with a confidence that made Jay’s heart way too heavy. Rich put his little cheek over the place on Jay’s chest where he could feel it beating and sank into sleep, reassured that everything would be fine. Jay stayed awake for a while, worrying that it might not be. Plinkett and Xandu were shady characters. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to take care of Rich indefinitely with Mike’s help, just to make sure he was okay, even if it changed their lives a lot--

He made himself think of poor Elly and mentally recommitted to his plan for tomorrow. The real Rich, the grown up, would want to be changed back and to reclaim his life. Jay was certain of it, and that was all that mattered. 

Jay had weird dreams where he was a kid again himself, lost at the Dells and unable to find an exit or any way to get in touch with his parents. It was distressing, especially because in the dreams he was crying in public, which was something he’d hated as a kid and that he’d still rather die than do as an adult. When he was close to waking and the dreams were getting more lucid, he ran into a Haunted Funhouse that didn’t actually exist in any Dells parks that he knew of and found Mike inside, wearing skeleton makeup and a cheap tuxedo. 

“Don’t worry,” Mike said. He was a teenager in the dream, and suddenly so was Jay, reaching out to take Mike’s hand when he offered it. “I work here,” Mike said, pulling Jay close. “So it’s my job to hug you.”

Jay nodded like this made sense and fell into Mike’s encircling arms, clinging to him for dear life. He woke up feeling better, remembering before he had his eyes open that Mike was with him, for real. 

Mike and Rich were both still asleep, both rolled toward Jay. Rich had his little fists curled against Jay’s chest, his brow slightly creased like something in a dream was annoying him, or required his concentration. Jay sighed and turned away from him as little as possible when he reached for his cell phone on the nightstand. He lingered in bed, searching for tuxedo rental shops on his phone and dreading the start of the day. 

All three of them were quiet and pensive at breakfast, and Rich didn’t disappear into his video game afterward. He stuck close to Jay’s side, helping him dry the dishes, and when they went out to find a tux for Jay, Rich clung to Jay’s pant leg at the formal wear store while Mike tried to bargain with the sales guy to get a better rental rate. 

“Do I have to wear a suit, too?” Rich asked when Jay had put on the rental tux and was admiring himself in the three-way mirror at the back of the shop. It didn’t fit perfectly, but he still looked pretty good in it.

“You’re not going to the party, remember?” Jay said. “You and Mike can stay home and watch movies and eat junk food.”

“It’ll be fun,” Mike said, looking like he wanted to die. Jay wished he would stop moping. Mike’s shitty attitude was making Jay feel like they were all doomed, and there was no real reason to think so, at least not yet.

“But I want to come with you,” Rich said, peering up at Jay with his giant blue eyes and looking like he might start crying. 

“That old man you didn’t like will be there,” Jay said, squatting down to put his hands on Rich’s shoulders. “You don’t want to be around him, do you?”

“No, and I don’t want you to be around him, either.” Rich put his hands on Jay’s shoulders, too, and looked at him with adorable seriousness. “I think he’s going to hurt you.” 

“No way,” Jay said. “You think I’m that much of a wimp, that I couldn’t handle that old man even if he did have some evil plan? And he doesn’t, I promise.” Jay wished he could believe this himself. They would be in public-- What could go wrong? “He just wants to show me off to his friends. Then I’ll come home, and-- Well.” 

“Then you’ll change me back.” Rich turned to look at Mike, as if he trusted Mike more than Jay to tell him the truth. “Right?”

“Right,” Mike says. “If it all goes according to plan.” He gave Jay a worried look. 

“Hmm.” Rich said, dropping his hands to his sides. Jay could practically see him plotting to run away or hide so that they couldn’t make him a grown up again. Mike would have to watch him like a hawk. Jay’s stomach was hurting when he stood again. 

The rest of the day passed too quickly, and they were all tense. Rich watched Star Trek with Mike, sticking close to Mike’s side as if he’d sensed that Jay was the architect of the plan to get rid of him and that Mike was the one who was wary and reluctant. Jay felt terrible, but what could he do? He wasn’t going to strand the adult Rich who still existed in the ether somewhere, and couldn’t keep a five year old kid in his life for much longer without drawing questions he had no answers for, like where did that kid come from and why do you have him. 

And he wouldn’t want that anyway, he reminded himself, starting to feel crazy and pacing around the apartment once he’d put the tuxedo on and was waiting until the last minute to leave for Plinkett’s stupid fucking ball, not wanting to go. 

“I’d better get on the road,” Jay said when he couldn’t wait any longer, sweating under his shirt as he shrugged the tuxedo jacket on. 

“You don’t want me to drive you?” Mike asked. Rich didn’t even look up, his head resting on Mike’s thigh as he stared listlessly at the TV. 

“Nah,” Jay said. He walked over to the couch and knelt down so he was eye level with Rich, who gave him an angry little glance before jerking his eyes back to the TV. “You’re mad at me?” Jay said, reaching for his shoulder.

“No,” Rich said, flinching out of Jay’s grip. “I don’t care.”

“Yeah, clearly. Rich-- It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Stop calling me that. It’s not my name!” 

Rich rolled over to hide his face against Mike’s gut. Mike shrugged one shoulder and gave Jay a sympathetic look, settling his hand on Rich’s back.

“You’d better get going if you’re gonna,” Mike said.

“Yeah.” Jay stood and adjusted his bowtie, feeling idiotic and strange. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” 

“Be careful. And call me if Plinkett tries anything-- Weird.”

Jay nodded and left. He wanted to run back, felt like he was abandoning both of them in some cruel manner, which was ridiculous when he was actually submitting to a miserable evening in order to save both of them from this mess that would only remain novel for as long as it felt temporary, he was sure.

The Balloon Federation of America’s big gala was being held in downtown Milwaukee, in the ballroom of a Marriott hotel. Jay was livid when he saw that no one else was in black tie formal wear and that most of the crowd of old people were wearing khakis and polo shirts. One guy was even in a Hawaiian print shirt and shorts. Everyone stared at Jay as he made his way inside, miserably seeking out Plinkett.

“Ah, there he is!”

Plinkett had forgone his walker for the evening and was only using a cane. He wasn’t in a tux, either, just his usual suit coat and khakis.

“Why the hell did you tell me to wear this?” Jay asked when he’d made his way through the crowd to Plinkett. “I look like a fucking idiot.”

“Relax, sweet cheeks! You look hot, and what do you care, anyhow? You’re here doing a favor to me, and for the next two hours you gotta do whatever I say.” 

“That’s not true. I’m your date, not your slave.”

“Huh, we’ll see about that. You want me to summon Xandu to fix your problems, don’t ya? Better be good to me, darling.” 

Jay wrinkled his nose in disgust but said nothing more, trying to get the repulsed look off his face as Plinkett put an arm around his waist and steered him toward his crusty old friends, who were looking on from a round table near the dance floor. There was a live orchestra playing old-timey music on the ballroom’s stage, and Jay prepared himself for Plinkett to ask him to dance after whatever other hell he was about to be put through.

“Fellas,” Plinkett said, planting his clammy hand on Jay’s back and presenting him to the curious onlookers. “This here’s the foxy young husband of mine I was telling you about. Jay, these are my balloon pilot friends.”

“Hello,” Jay said, deadpan. 

“Well, shit!” an old man with giant glasses and a face like melted pudding said. “We were sure you were bullshitting, Harry, but there he is.” 

“Yeah, well, that’ll teach you to doubt my sexual prowess! I still got it, haven’t I, darling?” 

Plinkett gave Jay a sneering smile, waiting for him to concur.

“Well,” Jay said. “Yes, obviously.”

“Didn’t I just fuck your brains out this very morning, my love?”

“Ugh,” Jay said, recoiling. “Harry, please,” he said when Plinkett’s top lip lifted in displeasure. “That’s, uh, private.”

“Yeah, nobody wants to hear that shit, Plinkett,” an old guy with a walrus mustache said, instantly becoming Jay’s favorite old fart here. “Jesus.” 

“Sue me if I’m happy and I want all you fuckheads to know it! Now, if you don’t mind, my lover and I are going to go tear up that there dance floor.”

“Oh jesus,” Jay said, under his breath, sweat dripping down his sides inside the shirt already. He wasn’t sure why he cared. Nobody here was someone he wanted to impress. It was just so fucking humiliating. He never danced, not even alone in his bedroom. It was the dorkiest shit in the world and made him feel like an idiot even when he wasn’t trying to dance with an old man who smelled like rotten pickles. 

“You could look a little happier to be here,” Plinkett said when they were out in the middle of the dance floor together, the only ones there while everyone else stared from the tables or the bar. 

“I can’t act,” Jay said, his jaw clenched. “And I can’t dance, either, so--”

“Everybody can dance! Watch and learn!”

Plinkett proceeded to shuffle his hips back and forth, clumsily at first and then lewdly, thrusting in Jay’s direction.

“Oh my god,” Jay said, closing his eyes and waiting to wake from this nightmare. He could already hear people laughing, and the bowtie was beginning to feel way too tight around his neck. 

“What are you waiting for, baby?” Plinkett asked, smacking the side of Jay’s leg with his cane. “You’d better put on a good show for my friends,” he added more quietly, speaking from the side of his mouth even more so than usual. “Or Xandu won’t do shit for you.”

“I hate you,” Jay muttered, and before Plinkett could say the deal was off, he started to wiggle his hips around like a moron, lifting his hands over his head and shaking them in the air, also like a moron.

“Yeah, that’s the stuff!” Plinkett said, cackling. “Dance for your poppa, you sexy little bitch! Dance!!”

Jay longed for death but did as Plinkett asked, closing his eyes and waiting to feel his mortified soul completely leave his body as he continued twisting around cluelessly in a poor imitation of whatever dancing was supposed to look like. The old people had started to whoop and cheer from the sidelines, and he could hear phone cameras going off.

He imagined Rich and Mike watching this along with the others, and opened his eyes to scan the crowd and make sure that they hadn’t turned up. Thinking about them laughing their heads off at him while he attempted to dance for his dinner had the surprising effect of cheering him up a little, and he felt himself smiling at the mental image of the look on Rich’s face if he were to behold this particular wonder.

“Oooh yeah, baby!” Plinkett said, getting breathless with excitement as he circled around Jay, doing finger guns at him. He’d thrown the cane aside, as if Jay’s hideous dancing had restored his youth. “Look at you! Tearing it up for me! This is the greatest night of my _life_!”

Jay snorted, and then he was laughing, still wanting to die but unable to hold it in. This was just too stupid, like so much of his life. He had to laugh. 

He got incredibly drunk during the seated dinner portion of the evening, giving up on driving himself home. He could catch a ride and come pick up his car in the morning, or the afternoon, if his hangover destroyed him the way he already expected it to as he tried to keep up with Plinkett’s balloon pilot cronies, who were all drinking like fish. After a certain point Jay didn’t even care that Plinkett kept trying to touch his leg under the table, and he tottered on his feet when he got up to take a leak.

“Plinkett, your husband is as drunk as a boiled owl,” the walrus mustache man said, sounding like he fully approved of this.

“Yeah, so what?” Plinkett slurred, also wasted. “He’s my queen, I give him ever’thin he wants!”

“Hey, Harry,” Jay said, realizing he could cut this short by getting Plinkett to do his bidding while drunk and in a good mood. “Come with me,” Jay said, tugging on Plinkett’s shoulder.

“Need me to hold your dick while you take a leak, my sweet?” Plinkett asked, scrambling out of his chair with the help of his cane, which he’d reclaimed after falling down on the dance floor, twice. “As you wish,” Plinkett said, breathing this into Jay’s face with awful garlic bread-scented breath.

Jay said nothing more, just let Plinkett follow him toward the men’s room, which was blessedly packed with old guys taking leaks. Jay never thought he’d be glad for such a thing, but at least it meant he wouldn’t have to be alone with Plinkett. He went into a stall to relieve himself, depriving Plinkett of the glimpse of his dick that he’d surely hoped to get. When he was done he lingered in the stall and pulled out his phone to text Mike.

_Everything ok there?_

Mike replied quickly: 

_yeah how’s it going with the old man?_

_Great! I think I’m about to close the Xandu deal, wish me luck_

This time Mike’s reply took a while.

 _good luck_ , he sent, and Jay could hear that as if in Mike’s voice, and that he didn’t really mean it. 

_is rich still awake?_ Jay sent, ignoring Plinkett, who was pounding on the door of the stall and asking if Jay had fallen in. 

_yes_ Mike replied. _he’s scared_

Jay didn’t know how to reply to that, so he just stared down at the phone until a new text from Mike came in. 

It was a picture of him and Rich, their faces smooshed together. Rich was smiling but looked apprehensive, too. 

_Dick says hello_ Mike sent, after the picture. _we’re watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_

 _sounds fun_ , Jay sent. _I’ll be home soon_

He almost added something insane like, love you, but he wasn’t that drunk, and Plinkett’s pounding on the stall was getting out of hand.

“Ah, there you are,” Plinkett said, almost falling onto Jay as he stepped out. “What took you so long? Did those bacon wrapped scallops tear up your stomach, too?”

“Yes,” Jay said. “So we should probably get going. Neither of us is in any condition to drive-- Maybe your friend Xandu could help with that?”

Jay waggled his eyebrows, hoping Plinkett wasn’t about to turn on him. 

“Hmm,” Plinkett said, wobbling on his feet a little. “I suppose you think you’ve earned his assistance, huh?”

“Well-- Yeah. Haven’t you had a nice evening, uh. My love?” he added, because they were still in earshot of the others in the bathroom. 

“I have, my dear, I truly have. There’s just one more thing that would make this the perfect date.”

Jay sighed. 

“What?” he asked, dropping the fake niceness. 

“A big, fat kiss, right on the lips.”

Plinkett gave him a leering grin and shuffled closer. 

Jay scowled at him and weighed his options here, wishing he could give Plinkett a swift kick in the groin.

“Okay,” Jay said, just drunk enough to believe he could survive this. “Here it comes. Ready?”

“Oh boy, am I!”

Jay sighed and closed his eyes. It was fitting that this was about to happen in a men’s room while several old hot air balloon pilots were pissing in the urinals nearby. He puckered his lips and leaned forward, bracing himself for horror.

Before he could make contact with Plinkett’s lips, though not before he could smell Plinkett’s garlicky breath so strongly that he thought he might puke, there was a sharp cracking sound from the middle of the bathroom and shouts of panic as a brilliant orange light and the smell of a bonfire filled the room. 

“SO,” a booming voice said. Jay blinked furiously at the familiar form in front of them, trying to force his eyes to adjust to its near-blinding glow. “HERE WE ARE AGAIN. WITH YOU AND THIS FUCKING TWINK.”

“Xandu, baby, I can explain!” Plinkett said, holding both his hands up defensively. Jay could suddenly understand why he wore the sunglasses all the damn time, his own eyes watering from Xandu’s glow. “I’m just here with him to make the guys in the BFA jealous!” Plinkett said. “I couldn’t exactly bring you, now could I?”

“WHY THE FUCK NOT. I’M HERE NOW AREN’T I.”

“Uhh.” Plinkett glanced at Jay, as if he was going to step in and handle this. “Well. I guess I was just thinking about, you know, the dancing, and you can’t exactly eat human food--”

“Ask him about my favor,” Jay said, hissing this from the side of his mouth. “I lived up to my part of the deal.”

“Not entirely,” Plinkett said. 

“Oh, you want to kiss me in front of him? Is that the plan?”

“No! No, no--” Plinkett glanced at Xandu, looking panicked. Xandu looked angry, but that was always true. “Okay, um, look, babe-- The real reason I’m here with him is he needs a favor from me-- From you, actually, and I said we’d think about it if he wiggled his hot little ass for my buddies at this here ball.” 

“DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT LITTLE SHIT’S ASS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

“Xandu, please,” Jay said, clasping his hands together in a begging gesture, ready to drop to his knees if necessary. “I really need you to help my friend. The alien queen Lemronia sent her goons to de-age him to five years old, and it’s really screwing things up for him, see, he’s got a wedding coming up, to the love of his life--”

“LEMRONIA?” Xandu said. “QUEEN LEMRONIA OF XLYON-4?”

“Uh. Yeah, I think so. You know her?”

“WE USED TO PARTY TOGETHER. I WAS YOUNG THEN, FOOLISH. SHE FUCKING SUCKS. SHE COMPLETELY RUINED STEPHANIE’S BABY SHOWER AND SHE STILL OWES ME THREE HUNDRED EARTH DOLLARS.”

“Oh. Well. This would be an opportunity to really stick it to her, because she does not want this wedding going forward.” 

“HMM. OKAY, I’LL DO IT. WHERE IS THE DE-AGED HUMAN?”

Apparently all Jay had to do was think about the location of Rich, because suddenly, through some kind of Xandu teleportation magic, they were all standing in Jay’s living room, Mike and Rich looking on in terror as they blinked onto the scene. 

“Monsters!” Rich shrieked, scrambling behind Mike’s back as Mike threw himself between him and Xandu, holding his arms out like that would stop a volcano god. “They’ve got Jay!” Rich shouted, pointing.

“Hey, hey, I’m okay!” Jay said, rushing over to him. “Look, see, I’m fine--” 

Rich threw himself onto Jay’s chest, whimpering. Jay caught him with an _oof_ and hugged him tight. Mike was still perched on the edge of the couch like a human barrier, staring up at Xandu like a warning to stay back. 

“WHICH ONE OF THEM IS THE DE-AGED ONE?” Xandu asked. 

“The little kid, obviously,” Plinkett said, gesturing with his cane.

“ALL HUMANS LOOK THE SAME AGE TO ME.”

“Why’s it talking like that?” Rich whispered, shivering in Jay’s arms and looking up into his face, his eyes already wet at the corners. 

“That’s just his voice,” Jay said, his hand shaking as he smoothed Rich’s hair down. He was both glad to be drunk for this and afraid he was going to throw up everywhere. “It’s okay,” Jay said when Rich clung to him again, hiding from the sight of Xandu. “Everything’s gonna be okay,” Jay promised, his voice starting to go as he realized he’d started rocking Rich in his arms and that he couldn't seem to stop. 

“SO ARE WE DOING THIS OR WHAT’S UP,” Xandu said.

“Give them a minute!” Mike said, sounding furious and a little torn up, too. 

“A minute for what?” Plinkett barked. “Me and Xandu got business on the astral plane, so make it snappy. You punks are lucky we’re doing you this favor.” 

“BRING ME THE BOY,” Xandu said. “THE RE-AGING WILL ONLY TAKE A MOMENT.” 

“It’ll be painless, right?” Mike asked, sounding desperate. Rich had started crying in a soft little wibble, his face pressed tight to Jay’s throat. 

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW,” Xandu said. “DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING BODY OVER HERE? HURRY, OR I SHALL DEPART.”

“Dick,” Jay said, pulling him back gently and sweeping the tears off his cheeks, trying to hold it together himself. “We have to put your big clothes on now. When you’re big again--”

“I don’t want to be big,” Rich said, sobbing. “I hate this! Make them go away!” 

“Just-- Trust me, please--”

Mike stood, and for a moment Jay thought he was going to storm out and refuse to witness this, but he was just getting the pile of Rich’s folded adult clothes from the floor. Rich wailed at the sight of them and threw himself onto Jay’s chest again, clinging.

“No, no, no!” he said. “I don’t want those clothes! I don’t want a wife!”

“Little boy, you’d better respect your elders and do as you’re told,” Plinkett said. 

“Shut up!” Jay and Mike shouted, at the same time, both glowering at him. 

“MY PATIENCE WEARS THIN,” Xandu warned. 

“I know it’s hard to understand,” Jay said, holding Rich’s wet little face in his hands and hating the look of furious betrayal in Rich’s eyes, because he felt as though he deserved it. “But there’s someone who loves you way more than us, and she misses you a lot.” 

“Nanu?”

“No, her name is Elly and she’s your favorite person in the world, when you’re grown up.” 

“Elly Trammel?” Rich said, blinking rapidly in what appeared to be confusion. He also looked less upset. 

“That’s the name on the wedding invite,” Mike said, nodding when Jay looked over at him. 

“She lives in my neighborhood,” Rich said, sniffling. “She’s nice.” 

“Oh. Well. Guess what? You grow up and fall in love with her.”

“No, I don’t,” Rich said, but he seemed like he wasn’t sure about this.

“You do, trust me. I know you’re in there somewhere, Rich. And Dick-- You gotta be brave, okay? Your future self needs you.”

Rich wiped at his face and glanced at Xandu, only cowering a little. 

“He looks like something from Star Trek, right?” Mike said, rubbing Rich’s back. “The original series.” 

“I guess.” Rich rubbed his forearm across his eyes and took a shuddering breath. 

“Here, look at this cool Legend of Zelda shirt,” Jay said, helping Rich tug it over his head. It covered him from head to toe, concealing his kid-sized clothes, which Jay assumed would just rip to shreds when Rich was full-sized again. Hopefully they wouldn’t give him a wedgie, but Jay wasn’t going to make him strip in the meantime. “And, uh, look at these neat Batman shorts,” he said, holding up adult Rich’s boxers. “Put those on over your pants, ok?”

“This is weird,” Rich said, but he pulled the boxers on, too, sighing. “Now what?”

“Now--” Jay’s voice stuck in his throat, but he was a master of not crying when he didn’t want to, so he fought it again. “Now we gotta say goodbye, but not for long. You’ll know us when you’re older.” 

“But I already know you,” Rich said, touching Jay’s bowtie. 

“Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see how this works with your memories,” Mike said. “What?” he said when Jay gave him a look like that was heartless, because it was. “Rich understands,” Mike said, patting Rich’s back. “He likes Star Trek, like me. He gets it.”

“I get it,” Rich said, nodding and turning to Xandu. “Are you an alien?” he asked, in a meek little voice. 

“I’M FUCKING BORED IS WHAT I AM,” Xandu said, and then there was a flash of even brighter light, and everyone screamed, even Plinkett.

A heavy weight was dumped onto Jay, though nowhere near as heavy as it should have been. He scrambled backward against Mike, who was crouched behind him, and away from the young man who was blinking owlishly at him, the t-shirt they’d dressed him in hanging almost to his knees. 

“What the fuck,” Rich said, reaching into the shirt to pull out the ripped apart little one he’d been wearing. “Ow!” he said, standing to pull the tiny pants out from between his legs. “My groin!”

“Wait a goddamn minute!” Mike said, standing and flinging his hand out in Rich’s direction. “You did it wrong! He’s only like, eighteen!”

“HE’S MORE LIKE TWENTY-FIVE, BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? YOU SAID ADULT, I GAVE YOU AN ADULT. HARRY, WE MUST MAKE HASTE TO THE ASTRAL PLANE. BYYYYYEEEE.”

With that, Plinkett and Xandu were both gone in a flash, only the slight aroma of smoke and pickles remaining. 

“Mike, it’s okay!” Rich said, grinning at them. “I remember everything up to those assholes in the VCR repair shop firing their blasters at me. I guess they turned me into something nasty, and you guys had that floating head thing turn me back? Only he wound back the clock a little, physically. Neat!” 

Rich touched his hair, which was already receding a little but mostly still there. He laughed with delight and spun around in a circle, staring down at his much younger, lighter body. 

“Wait, hang on,” Jay said, reeling with confusion and again afraid that he was going to hurl. “You remember-- Everything? Your twenties, thirties, forties?”

“I’ve only had two years of my forties, but yeah!” Rich beamed at them. “What did those alien fucks turn me into, just out of curiosity? A toad or something?”

Mike and Jay looked at each other. Of course Rich didn’t remember his time with them as a kid. It wouldn’t have been good if he did. Jay knew this, and was deeply annoyed by how robbed he felt of some indistinct thing. Or person. 

“Uh oh,” Rich said. “Was it really gross? Did you guys have to scoop my crap out of a litter box or something?”

“No, Rich,” Mike said. “You were just-- Younger, a kid. Tell me one thing, though. Do you remember Elly?”

“Of course I remember Elly, I’m about to marry her-- Oh, jesus, what did you assholes tell her about all this? Is she mad at me? Does she think I ditched her? Just wait till she sees me like this, ha!”

“She’s not going to recognize you, Rich!” Jay said, not sure why Rich wasn’t freaking out more. 

“Sure she will, we’ve known each other all our lives. We grew up together, dated in high school-- Hell, when I looked like this, basically! And now we match, because she’s barely aged at all. Not sure what she saw in the old me, except for-- You know, the old me. This me!”

“This is crazy,” Mike said, sitting beside Jay and grabbing for his hand. “I feel like we did our best but everything got messed up anyway.”

“Messed up? Mike, this is a fucking blessing. I’m immortal, anyway, so I might as well look a little more spry.”

“Does Elly know you’re immortal?” Jay asked, barely able to keep up with all this insanity. 

“Not yet. Oh god, I’ve got to go to her, right now, to explain all this-- Jay do you have some clothes I can borrow? Since I’m your size now?”

Moving as if in a daze, Jay gathered some things for him. Once he was dressed, Rich didn’t even pause to admire his youthful face in the bathroom mirror. He was nearing a run as they headed for Jay’s car, desperate to see his fiancee. Mike drove, since Jay was still drunk from the party, which already felt like a fever dream. Rich texted Elly from the car to say he was on his way, wincing at the texts Mike and Jay had sent as him.

“Look, guys,” Rich said. “If I’m ever transfigured or otherwise memory-wiped again, please don’t try to conduct my love life for me. No offense, but you two are kind of disasters when it comes to all this stuff.”

“Like we don’t know that,” Mike said. “And excuse the fuck out of us if we didn’t handle this perfectly. You should be thanking us-- Especially Jay. He really took good care of you, he was--”

“Mike,” Jay snapped. “We don’t have to talk about it. It’s over.”

Mike stayed quiet for the remainder of the drive, sneaking nervous looks at Jay, which Jay didn’t appreciate. He wasn’t going to be all fucking fragile about this. Their lives were insane and always would be. All he could do was sit back and take it, sometimes. 

“Well, I do appreciate you guys fixing this for me,” Rich said as they were pulling up to Elly’s house in the Milwaukee suburbs, just outside the city. He unbuckled his seatbelt-- the same middle one he’d worn as a little kid --and leaned forward to clap one hand on each of their shoulders. “You guys are real good friends,” he said, smiling warmly when they met his eyes in the rearview mirror. 

Jay had to look away, his chest tightening in an alarming way. He watched from the passenger side window as Rich climbed out of the car and hurried out to meet Elly, who was coming out of the front door, barefoot in a sundress, her eyes blown open wide. She did indeed look very young for her age, slight and pale with messy brown hair. 

“Dick?” she said, freezing in place and taking Rich in as he approached her in Jay’s clothes, looking, presumably, like her high school boyfriend.

“Baby,” Rich said, and he rushed forward to grab her, spinning her around in his arms while she looked down at him in awe. “It’s a real long story.”

She was frozen in shock for just a moment longer before she laughed and threw her arms around his neck, lifting her legs up to wrap them around his waist and clinging hard. 

Mike waved and pulled away from the curb, turned the car around and headed back in the direction from which they’d come. Jay watched in the side view mirror as Rich got smaller and smaller in the distance.

“You okay?” Mike asked after a few moments of heavy silence, reaching over to rest his hand on Jay’s knee.

“Just drunk and tired,” Jay said, still staring out the window. 

“That was--”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Jay shoved Mike’s hand away and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. He chewed his lips and tried to think about anything sane: the work day tomorrow, his forthcoming hangover, returning this tux by noon to avoid the late fee. His hands curled into fists, nails biting into his skin. By the time they’d left the highway and were back in their neighborhood his eyes had blurred over with evil unshed tears, and he was sure Mike could see his shoulders shaking. What finally put him over the edge was a billboard ad for the Dells, and after the first miserable hiccup he was a goner, sobbing into his hands. 

“Oh-- Jay--” Mike said, his voice breaking. 

“No, just, I’m not--” Jay lost his voice and cried harder, completely losing his shit, hating this but unable to stop. “I don’t know wha, what the fuck’s wrong with me. I don’t-- It’s-- So stupid, I--”

“It’s not stupid-- It’s okay-- Shit, hang on, I’ll pull over.”

Jay wanted to tell him not to, but he couldn’t form a single fucking word. All he could do was bawl into his hands like an idiot, his whole chest quaking with it. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried even a little bit. High school, maybe. This wasn’t like him. This didn’t make any sense. Everything was fine: Rich was happy, Elly had her fiance back and didn’t seem like she was going to throw him over for being younger suddenly, and Rich had all of his memories despite the altered appearance. And Jay was happy, too. He was happy to be done with all that. He was fucking happy, goddammit! So it made no sense that he couldn’t stop crying, even when Mike parked the car and leaned over to pull Jay into his arms. 

“I’m fine,” Jay promised when he could talk again, his chin on Mike’s shoulder and his voice all cracked apart. “This is-- I don’t know what this is. I had the worst night. He made me dance, Mike. And I almost had to kiss him.”

“He-- Plinkett? That fucker.” Mike held Jay tighter, rubbing his back. “I’ll kill him.” 

“Yes. Please do. Though I think he’s immortal.”

Jay sat back and wiped at his face, embarrassed and avoiding Mike’s eyes. He was still blubbering a little, his chest all shaky and weak-feeling. He couldn’t even put his finger on his sense of loss, but it was swallowing him up anyway, and being alone at last with Mike was only making him feel more vulnerable.

Though he was very glad Mike was with him, and didn’t say a word when Mike followed him up to his apartment. Jay went straight to the living room and gathered up the wrecked remains of the clothes Rich had been wearing when he transformed. He threw them into the kitchen trash while Mike stood hovering nearby, looking sad and uncertain about how to proceed. 

“His video game,” Jay said, touching the little player, which was sitting on the kitchen table.

“He forgot it,” Mike said. “We’ll give it to him tomorrow.”

“No, he-- He didn’t forget it, Mike. He doesn’t even have a memory of it.” 

“We can still give it to him tomorrow. Big Rich likes video games, too.”

Jay shrugged, remembering his plan to give it to Rich as a wedding gift. He walked past Mike and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. 

For a long time he just stared at his wrecked face in the mirror, his head starting to ache from the alcohol at the party or just from being spun around without warning so many times by these fucked up events. He splashed cold water on his face and brushed his teeth, trying not to stare at the little toothbrush and Avengers toothpaste beside the sink. He should throw them away, too, he realized. He left the bathroom without doing it, feeling too fucked up to even touch them. He just needed to get in bed and just sleep this feeling away. 

Mike was in Jay’s bed, lying on top of the sheets and still dressed, though he had taken off his shoes. He watched as Jay took the loosened bowtie off entirely, then stood and helped him unbutton the vest, the shirt. Jay just stood there listlessly, staring at Mike’s chest and letting Mike take care of him. 

When Jay was stripped down to his undershirt and briefs, Mike brought him over to the bed and turned out the light while Jay flopped over onto his side, exhausted. Mike took his jeans off and scooted up behind Jay in bed, wrapping his arms around him and tucking him in against his chest. 

“I feel so stupid,” Jay said, pressing back into the heat of Mike’s body. “People took pictures of me dancing,” he said, as if that was why.

“You were brave and selfless,” Mike said, squeezing him. “You saved the day.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m five.”

“I’m not. Jay. I’m fucking impressed. I’m so-- God, you asshole. I’m so in love with you.” 

Jay sniffed and grinned against Mike’s bicep. Of course Mike would include the words ‘you asshole’ in a love confession.

“I’m calling in sick tomorrow,” Jay said, petting Mike’s arm. 

“What are you gonna tell corporate? That you can’t come to work because your pathetic co-worker confessed his love to you the night before, and you’ve been puking your guts out in disgust all night?”

Jay rolled his eyes and turned in Mike’s arms, looking at him like he was crazy. Mike looked pissed off, then just scared. Jay turned over fully and cupped Mike’s face in his hand.

“No,” Jay said. “I’m going to tell them I have a stomach bug. But the real reason is that I’m gonna wake up hungover and I want you to take care of me in the morning, till I feel better. Because you always make me feel better.”

“With my dick.”

“Yeah, and like now. Like, holding me. Don’t go anywhere while I sleep, okay?”

Mike swallowed and pressed his face to Jay’s. His eyelashes swept over Jay’s cheek, which still felt raw and soft from his epic, hopefully once in a lifetime crying jag. 

“Okay,” Mike said.

“You hugged me in my dream last night,” Jay said, because why not lay every humiliating thing out like a buffet? “And it was just-- This huge relief. Like this amazing miracle, that you found me in this dream and finally we were together. I’d been wandering through all these nightmarish Dells parks, and I thought I was looking for my parents, but then I found you.” 

“Yeah,” Mike said, like he’d been there too, or like he understood. “I almost thought I wanted to keep little Rich, ha. It was stupid, you’re right, because-- What, like we were gonna enroll him in kindergarten and join the PTA? I really just wanted to stay here with you, like this.” 

Jay nodded and buried his face against Mike’s chest, losing himself in the feeling of being held. It wasn’t so bad, being the smaller one again. 

He woke up to early morning light, his head aching but not as badly as he’d feared. Mike was still wrapped around him, though they were both sweaty. Mike was awake, nosing at Jay’s hair and shifting his legs around. His cock was rock hard, jammed against Jay’s thigh. He gasped when Jay snaked a hand down between them and gripped him.

“Put it in me,” Jay said, rubbing Mike through his boxers, still half asleep but well aware of what he needed. “Please?” he added, tilting his face up to nuzzle at Mike’s jaw, wanting him to get the message. For maybe the first time in his life, Jay didn’t want to get fucked hard and shoved around, called dirty names. He still loved all that and would surely want it later, but right now he wanted something different, something sweet. 

Mike understood. He’d never needed an instruction manual to figure out what Jay needed from him, except maybe in the emotional department, and even then it was Mike who nudged Jay messily in the right direction. Now he nudged Jay’s legs apart and eased himself in between them, kissing him in a way that communicated he was in no hurry, that he knew Jay was feeling achy and small after everything, and that he was in good hands. 

Jay felt like a fool for not realizing he’d needed this sooner and that he could have always asked for it from Mike, but he was okay with feeling foolish while he also felt Mike sliding inside him, slow enough that Jay could feel every perfect inch of him as their bodies fit together, soft noises of approval already sneaking past Jay’s parted lips. Mike licked at him as if he liked the taste of those sounds he was making, not quite kissing him, keeping back just far enough so Jay could keep moaning and sighing Mike’s name out. Jay had his legs wrapped around Mike’s sides, his heels pressing into the small of Mike’s back, and when Mike bottomed out inside him it was like he’d never been deeper. Possibly it was true, since they’d rarely done this with Jay on his back, and never on anything as comfortably soft as Jay’s bed. 

“God you feel good,” Mike said, mumbling this against Jay’s panting mouth. “Wanted you so much.” 

“Had me already,” Jay said, not even sure what he meant. He closed his eyes and let himself drift in how good it felt to clench up around Mike’s dick, held so wide open by him, for him.

“I’d do anything with you,” Mike said, nosing at Jay’s jaw. “You make everything so good.” 

Jay opened his eyes and stared up at Mike. He supposed Mike was talking about the situation they’d recently found themselves in. He pet both sides of Mike’s face and tried to wiggle himself open wider, shifting his hips, wanting Mike even deeper inside him. 

“I thought about you at that awful party,” Jay said. “How hard you’d laugh, mph. If you saw me like that. And it just made me feel better, like I wasn’t even alone there, ‘cause as long as you’re alive I’m not alone, really.”

Mike kissed him hard, whining at the back of his throat like hearing this was almost too much to take: Jay liked it when Mike laughed at him. This did not even remotely apply to anybody else. Only Mike could make it feel good, because only Mike loved him like this.

They kept a slow pace for a long time, kissing a lot, sweating even more, and finally were laughing and near crazy with how bad they both needed to come. Fucking soft and sweet was more about something other than getting off, and almost as soon as they transitioned to more a satisfyingly friction-based arrangement they were both close and shouting, no longer able to be quiet. They didn’t have to be, Jay thought, grabbing the headboard while Mike fucked him hard from behind, one hand on Jay’s shoulder and one on his waist. They were alone here at last, and it was good, it was so fucking good. 

He came screaming Mike’s name. Mike was close behind, collapsing onto Jay’s back while he unloaded. Jay loved the weight and heat of him so much, wouldn’t give up a bit of either even as he panted beneath Mike, feeling crushed and like he was going to melt. 

They slept again, in a mess of sweat and come, giving no fucks, and later showered together. That was tender, too, so much so that Jay was blushing and nervous, feeling like he was slow dancing while people looked on. He’d never gone to any school dances as a kid, and he’d told himself it was because that shit was lame and no fun, which was true, but the real reason was that nobody had asked him. 

Mike called in sick, too, and spent the day with his head in Jay’s lap, watching movies and letting Jay play with his hair. Around two o’clock they texted Rich to make sure everything was okay with him and Elly. It took about an hour for Rich to respond. 

_sorry, yes, all good!_ his text said. _having sex like a teenager, will be back in several days_

“Back where?” Jay asked, scowling at the thought of Rich having sex. Not that he wasn’t happy for the guy. It was just-- Strange, somehow. 

“Back from sex, I guess,” Mike said with a shrug. 

A month later, they attended Rich and Elly’s wedding. Jay wrapped up the video game player and placed it on the table with the other gifts, wondering if Rich would remember it in some phantom way, maybe just in a dream. 

“How’d Dick lose all the weight?” one of Rich’s uncles asked Mike during the reception, in a very thick Chicago accent. Apparently the whole family and everyone who knew Rich just accepted that his sudden youthful appearance was part of his weight loss, regrown hair and all. Elly knew the truth. She was apparently a huge X-Files fan who had always hoped aliens were real, so she took it in stride. 

“Uhhh,” Mike said. “I dunno. I think he went down to a special weight loss camp in Mexico or something.”

“Nonsense,” Jay said. “It was just better diet and regular exercise. It makes a big difference!”

Mike cut him a look. Jay smirked. Mike had lost a little weight since they’d started essentially living together. They’d been having all their meals together since they became a couple for real, Mike subjected to Jay’s choices. Jay was still fond of certain junk foods enough that they indulged together regularly, too, and he was currently helping himself to a fourth glass of champagne, because they’d gotten a room at the hotel where the wedding reception was taking place, and he planned to have crazy drunk sex with Mike up in their room within a few hours.

First they had to bid Rich and Elly goodbye as they headed off to their honeymoon in Tahiti. They were flying out that night on the red eye, to add to the romance of the whole thing. The wedding was relatively small, and all the guests lined up to be thanked for coming as Rich and Elly made their way out of the reception hall, changed into their traveling outfits. Jay noticed that Rich was wearing the shirt that Jay had loaned him after he transformed back into an adult, and he felt weirdly touched by this as the happy couple made their way closer. 

“Recognize this?” Rich asked, beaming at Jay and pointing to the shirt. “It’s my lucky shirt!”

Jay just laughed, and if his eyes got a little wet when Rich hugged him extra hard and maybe for longer than anyone else, that was okay. He blinked them clear and gave Rich a little pat on the cheek when he pulled back.

“If you want some entertainment for the plane ride,” Jay said, “The present from me on the table over there is a handheld video game system with a couple of games.”

“Oh shit yeah!” Rich said, his eyes lighting. “I’m gonna grab that before we take off, thanks for telling me.”

“You’re welcome. Have fun.”

Jay let Mike hug him from behind as the whole group watched Rich and Elly go, everyone waving. Rich had Jay’s present tucked under his arm. Jay hoped he’d like it.

He had a feeling he would.

**


End file.
